Cows: Bad For Environment, Great For Tastebuds

By Daniel Dominguez on December 8th, 2009

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It is a universally recognized fact that cows are the most environmentally devastating meat source on planet Earth. Other planets have even more destructive meat sources. The planet Saturn is host to Strovlocks, which are invincible, floating goat-like animals who are born clinically depressed, and whose tears are highly radioactive and razor-sharp. Then there are the “Moorkers” of Jupiter, which are humongous vulture-like animals that drink a twelve pack of Coke a day and absolutely refuse to recycle their plastic bottles. But here on Earth cows release more CO2 than pigs and chickens combined, their waste has created oceanic dead zones where no life can grow, and they consume far more food than they actually produce. Experts also generally agree that cows are assholes, and that even a little bit of power goes to their heads.

With all of that, you’d think it would be easy for people to make the choice to stop eating beef, since they don’t want their grandchildren to have to live in caves in a world that has been almost totally destroyed by cows passing gas. Mostly because that would just be an embarrassing thing to explain. “Yeah, I know cows farted the world to death, grandson, but I really liked being able to go to Burger King at two in the morning.”

There’s only one problem. Cows are fucking delicious. They make chickens feel terrible about their own flavor, which is why chickens are constantly taking baths in seasoned salt, but to no avail. Nothing tastes as good as a great steak. Not even Hershey’s milk chocolate drizzled all over the lips of a smiling cheerleader.

I understand that guys. Believe me, I know how great beef tastes. But I’m just saying, if I have to choose between cows killing 15% of all ocean life, and being able to have ground beef at my barbecue, I gotta say, it’s at least something to think about.