Tiger Woods’ Wife Moves Out Of The House

By Mark Lorenz on December 7th, 2009

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According to initial reports, Elin Nordegren has moved out of the house she shared with Tiger Woods. Which is good for everyone. If she could break windows with golf clubs, imagine what she could do with gas and fertilizer.

She’s moved to a house in Windmere, Florida.

And the total is up to SEVEN. SEVEN MISTRESSES. That’s not even a PR Nightmare, that’s a terrible limerick waiting to be immortalized and passed down from generation to generation. Tiger Woods apparently is a great golfer, but the dumbest spouse alive.

The total number of women he hit with his golf-cart, and by golf cart, I mean penis (take that, punny media) is SEVEN folks. And none of them are even in the same ballpark of attractiveness as his wife. Not even close. They’re not even in the same city. They’re the bologna of jump-offs. And he called them from his own phones, partied with them DOWN THE STREET FROM HIS HOUSE, AND INSIDE HIS HOUSE. Next on his agenda: wearing a shirt that says, “I’m cheating on my wife,” and taping a boom-box that plays Hank Williams to his back.

Here’s the list so far:

Rachel Uchitel: VIP nightclub hostess, famous for polishing off rich men. Possibly with her genitals. She was the first mentioned, and was going to have a press conference, but there’s rumors of a huge payout that kept her quiet. Somewhere in the 1-3 million dollar range.

Jaime Grubbs: A wannabe TV star, Vegas cocktail waitress, who’s being repped by a PR agency in the hopes that this’ll somehow turn into a reality show. With more golf and sex puns.

Kalika Moquin: VIP nightclub marketing manager. When you give the customers good service, they’ll come back again and again.

Jaime Jungers: A Las Vegas lingerie model who Tiger had sent a VIP rep over to “corral”. Jaime was actually cheating on her fiance with Tiger, who was cheating on his wife. If they could involve some sort of cheating third party, like Lionel, the gambling parrot, that would just be gravy.

Mindy Lawton: He met her when she was waiting tables at a Perkin’s restaurant. The equivalent of a Baker’s Square. It’s nice to know that Tiger doesn’t just like trashy nightclub types, he also likes waffle-houses. They’d have sex in the house he shared with his wife, whilst she was pregnant.

Holly Sampson: A porn star. Which is, not to say these other women didn’t exchange sex for money. She just holds the title officially. And will wrestle you for it. In jello.

Cori Rist: Tiger met her in a nightclub. Surprise, surprise. The Manhattan nightclub Butter, which is generally packed with celebrities. He got adjacent suites for them to hook up in, but he’d spend all day in his. Presumably having sex with other people, because it’d take a Grecian hero to navigate most penthouse suites.

Now, ladies. One of you has to have a sex tape. But congratulations on your pay-outs.