Cockblock: The Gay Friend

By Jeff Wysaski on December 7th, 2009

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For most of us guys, hooking up is hard to do. For every advantage that we use to swing things in our favor – the wingman, witty anecdotes, ALCOHOL – there are a dozen cockblocks destined to throw a wrench in our attempts to end the evening with a not-so-innocent boy/girl slumber party.

For the unenlightened, a cockblock is anything that gets in the way of you hooking up with a girl. Cockblocks can be people, places or things, and unfortunately, overcoming one of these insidious hurdles is about as probable as a peewee football team scoring a TD on the Steel Curtain of the 1976 Pittsburg Steelers.

Of all the cockblocks you may encounter on any given night, by far one of the worst is the gay friend.

Women love going out with gay men. From the non-stop dancing at the club and the dress-up party beforehand, all the way down to the non-existent expectations at the night’s end, the gay friend shares an especially strong bond with the object of your affection.

And it is because of this that the gay friend is such a formidable foe. His desire to dance will keep you from cutting in. He’ll drink half of every girly drink you graciously offer to your lady. And even though he’s got all the mannerisms and eyeliner of a woman, his ability to think like a man will keep him one step ahead of your desperate attempts to sully the virtuous reputation of his best friend.

Plus, it’s a well known fact that gay men are almost exclusively chauffeured everywhere they go by their non-gay women friends. This means he’s got the extra motivation of not getting ditched to keep him from letting you get anywhere near his hot, curvy friend (I mean the girl, not his penis).

Overcoming the gay friend is difficult, but it can be done. Your best bet is to try and be friendly with both him and his lady. Include him in conversations and tolerate this third wheel on the dance floor with enough finesse and he may let his guard down long enough for you to charm your way into the girl’s heart.

Note: don’t be TOO friendly with the gay friend – this tactic could lead to an extremely awkward moment in the men’s bathroom.

Alternatively, you could try and pass the gay friend off on another gay man. Remember, he may be gay, but he’s still a man – which means he’s just as eager to hook up with someone as you are. Maybe you have a gay friend you can bring along as a diversionary tactic. If not, maybe that wingman of yours will be willing to go the distance despite his heterosexuality (dude, if our roles were reversed, I’d TOTALLY do it for YOU).

Whatever the case, there’s no doubt about it: the gay friend is one big, motherfucking cockblock. Stick to the other gay men, buddy. And leave the girls to us.