This Christmas season, as with every Christmas season for thousands of years, Star Wars and the Bible must be compared by a writer at Manolith. It’s hard to deny that the Bible and Star Wars are easily the two most influential mythologies in our culture. Thusly, it is only right that these two defining, central mythologies in Western civilization be put to the test. After all, it cannot be understated how much both Star Wars and the Bible have affected our society. For instance, Luke Skywalker and Jesus Christ (arguably, the most important Jedi in the Bible) are the role models that children look to first when determining whether they should sport long hippy hair or an intergalactically fashionable bowl cut.
The Bible influences people in their decisions regarding everything from whether or not they’ll go to the doctor, what they believe about a woman’s right to choose what to do with her own body, and whether or not to rain hellfire on the city of Sodom. Star Wars is so influential that every family in the United States has at least one person that has at some point in their life dressed like a Wookie. Darth Vader and Satan are the first two figures that come to mind for most Americans when they think of concrete evil, and in an interesting coincidence, Mark Hamill has come face to face with both of them during his career in entertainment. Mark Hamill fought Darth Vader as Luke Skywalker onscreen in the Star Wars series, and colluded with Satan when he and Satan put $3,000 each into renovating an old van, turned the back of it into a “kill room,” and drove across the country kidnapping women and using their hair to make a tuxedo for Mark Hamill that he mistakenly believed gave him special powers.
But I digress.
The evidence is clear. The Bible and Star Wars are both very important to the culture and psychology of the United States. But is one better than the other? They both have advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, the Bible has two major holidays that people celebrate: Easter and Christmas. On the other hand, no one has ever beaten a homosexual kid to death in the name of R2-D2. Everyone generally agrees that the last half of the Bible is way better than the first. Likewise, Star Wars suffers a similar problem, wherein the first three chapters of the series are considered to be generally inferior to the last. So that’s a tie.
Stars Wars also suffers from the existence of Jar Jar Binks, whose entire existence seems to be comprised exclusively of saying annoying things and farting. The Bible, however, suffers similarly from the equally problematic character ‘God’, who can’t seem to make up his mind, plays practical jokes like making his followers think they have to sacrifice their own children to him, and is often a violent unsympathetic character that people can’t relate to.
Star Wars has Ewoks, but the Bible has the twelve disciples who, like Ewoks, spend most of their time crafting makeshift crossbows and trapping intruders who stumble upon their picturesque treetop village. Star Wars has the Death Star, an awesome giant planet-shaped fortress of evil. The Bible has the equally cool Hell, a seven to fourteen level infinite wonderland of torture, sadistic sexual pain, fire and loneliness. Both Hell and the Death Star share the fact that either of them can only be destroyed by firing photon lasers at a tiny opening that leads to their central core. Hell is ruled over by Satan, a beautiful Latino guy with red skin, a sharp mustache, and effeminate legs that end in cloven hooves. Satan’s hobbies include tricking people into signing away their souls, pitch-fork holding, and turning into Elizabeth Hurley and having sex with Brendan Frasier. The Death Star is ruled over by Darth Vader, who is a sickly old white man with the voice of an overweight, jolly black man.
Finally, the Bible more or less owns Star Wars in terms of their main characters. Jesus is an ultra-sexy utterly good-hearted guy who loves to party, spends most of his time with a prostitute, and can bring you back to life if he feels like it. Luke Skywalker is a boring, whiny, lower-middle class nerd who wants to have sex with his sister. Also Luke Skywalker is adopted, which is probably why his skin is so sallow.
In the end, the Bible has a slight advantage over Star Wars. The battle was close, but Jesus trumps Skywalker in terms of looks, charisma, and stomach muscle definition. But don’t worry Star Wars fans, Yoda is still a way more respectable spokesman than Joel Osteen will ever be.
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