Barack Obama is sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan over the course of the next couple of years. Afghanistan is a war torn region ruled over by conflicting, corrupt political parties with an unstable economy that many people, including myself, feel should be allowed to determine its own future without tons of foreign soldiers directing it for them. The road to Afghani sovereignty is long and unclear and will surely be fraught with death and danger. Instead of sending 30,000 soldiers into a violent war zone with unclear and nonspecific goals, why not send them to places that would actually, concretely, benefit both them and us. With that in mind I have crafted this letter which I will first post on Manolith, and then send to Barack Obama:
Dear Mr. Barack Obama, President and Master of America,
It’s Dan Dominguez again. You of all people should be able to understand what a downer it is in the morning to eat cold eggs, especially after paying $6.99 for them. I can only assume you didn’t get the letter, because I think you are a good man and I know that you have the power to make the Denny’s at the corner of Lincoln and Ivar do you bidding. Since Guantanamo is still open you could send Rick, the assistant manager there for a little negative reinforcement.
Nonetheless, let us move on from that issue (for the time being) to the letter that I sent you about passing a law definitively stating whether or not if a tree makes a sound when it falls in the forrest and no one is around to hear it. I feel a law would help put that question to rest, which would be great for me because I often think of that question and then can’t stop thinking about it and I end up getting a headache and having to go to bed early, but there are more important matters at hand. Today, at least.
All of that aside, Mr. Barack Obama, President and Master of America, I implore you. I implore you with every inch of my being, the 30,000 troops have had enough. Our army is tired, and Afghanistan is not a threat. Indeed, much of the anger in that part of the world that fuels the threats you spoke of in your speech comes from our conceited belief that filling Middle Eastern countries with our military presence is the answer to their problems. Instead of forcing our tired armed men and women to stay in that country, to be put in harms way for something that is not even guaranteed to decrease threats to our country, why not deploy them somewhere where they would definitely, inarguably be useful. That is why I think that instead of Afghanistan, you should deploy all 30,000 troops to running a completely free Bed and Breakfast.
Now, here me out. Everyone loves taking a vacation at a Bed and Breakfast. Bed and Breakfasts are charming, and the food there is always great. And that is with a staff of just one old man and an old woman, and maybe a younger hired hand. Imagine if you increased that Bed and Breakfast staff by 29,997 troops. That would be an amazing Bed and Breakfast. It would run like clockwork.
The thing is, Bed and Breakfasts are generally very expensive, so not everybody gets to enjoy their many benefits. Benefits like being able to wake up under a snugly blanket with a picture of a bear wearing pajamas on it. Getting fresh, locally produced honey. Authentic cuckoo clocks. Having tea with the young guy they hired to help around the Bed and Breakfast. Watching butter get churned by the young man they hired while he has his shirt off because it’s so hot outside. Sitting on the porch and drawing the young man while he does his stretches. Collecting that young man’s sweat in a jar and smelling that jar whenever you need a pick me up. And having nice and fresh and warm eggs to eat in the morning.
But those things are out of reach to many Americans. Opening a free Bed and Breakfast manned by 30,000 highly skilled soldiers would be something everyone could get behind. A lot of people don’t like war. But everybody likes a Bed and Breakfast. If you enacted my plan, I assure you, you would cement your place in history as either the greatest President of all time, times a million, or as the first President to staff a Bed and Breakfast with 30,000 troops. Maybe even both.
Comments
No comments.