Things Celebrities Look Like

By Daniel Dominguez on December 2nd, 2009

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People are often told that they look like specific celebrities. My wife, for example consistently gets told by people that she looks like Cameron Diaz. Which is my way of letting you all know that I have an attractive wife. She is, however, also consistently told that her vagina looks like Meryl Streep’s poo dropped off the edge of a 25 story building, so it evens out. I, on the other hand, am always told I look like Ben Affleck, if he was balding, had thin arms but a very large stomach, and cried all the time. My dad gets Cheech Marin. I have friends that are told they look like Paul Giamatti, Ross from “Friends”, Regis Philbin, George Clooney, and the list goes on.

I say it’s high time that celebrities got to know our pain. Doomed as we are to live in the shadow of “looking like” someone else instead of just looking like ourselves. Damn you, celebrities, we must have our day. After all, lots of celebrities look like lots of things, and who better to point out which celebrities look like which things than myself, who just so happens to have gotten his bachelor’s degree in English, with a minor in Comparing One Thing To Another. If you are wondering how I was able to declare that as a minor, it was because I went to a very, very bad college.

Thusly, below I present to you my first installment of:

THINGS THAT CELEBRITIES LOOK LIKE

1. Ralph Fiennes: Ralph Fiennes looks almost exactly like a votive candle with a poem about friendship on it. At first I was merely taken aback by how similar Ralph Fiennes looks to a candle with a poem about friendship on it, but then I went to his IMDB page and learned that Ralph Fiennes was actually abandoned in the woods as a child and raised by a wild pack of votive candles.  Which is why he is notorious for consistently tasting exactly like candle wax, and for slowly emitting a pleasant pine scent when the top of his head is lit on fire.

2. Danny Glover: Danny Glover is practically identical to the helpful, matronly old woman tree from the Disney cartoon adaptation of the story of Pocahontas. As it turns out, this is not a coincidence. The old woman tree character in the film was actually modeled after Danny Glover after an animator working on the film heard Danny Glover tell a story during an interview about how he liked to dress like a tree and stand outside the houses of young single women and give them relationship advice.

3. Andy Dick: No greater similarity exists in this world, or any other, than the one between Andy Dick and a Rainbow Puffer Fish. They both seem like something a Japanese animator would invent to sell backpacks to teenage school girls. They both have cameos in most of Ben Stiller’s movies. And most of all, they both lay over 10,000 eggs a month in the mouth of a sea anemone, less than a dozen of which will actually hatch and become new Andy Dicks and Rainbow Puffer Fish.