J.Lo’s Sex Tape Reported To Be Boring

By Mark Lorenz on December 2nd, 2009

In news that is surprising to no-one, J.Lo’s sex tape is supposedly very boring. Like extremely boring. How boring, you ask? J.Lo-1

J.Lo’s sex tape is supposedly more boring than paint drying on grass that is growing on a sloth slowly crawling to the sound of a John Mayer album. That was blocked off by a traffic accident caused by a smooth jazz band. Actually, that sounds more exciting than J.Lo’s sex tape.

But you knew that already. Jennifer Lopez looks like one of those people who barely knows how to pose, so how were you expecting her to be a sex goddess? It’s been revealed in court that the sex tape isn’t actually a sex tape at all. Just footage of J.Lo with her husband. Oh, that’s lame. I was gonna pay a 20 dollar subscription fee to watch someone’s vacationing videos? Oh, man. I must be some kind of an internet idiot. Anyway, the non-sex tape is possessed by a man named Ojani Noa, her ex-husband, who claims he’s making a documentary titled “How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The JLo and Ojani Noa Story.” Which probably has a limited audience, of his friends who are all, “How’d Ojani marry J.Lo?”, and he’s like, “WELL, I MADE THIS DOCUMENTARY. LET’S WATCH IT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

Noa’s being sued for $10 million by Lopez for breach of contract. Apparently, he’s going against the confidentiality agreements he previously signed about their relationship. Yeah, that’s the kind of maintenance I want. Beyond high. J.Lo maintenance.