Everyone should go out and get the vaccine if they can. Believe me, I’m not suggesting that anyone shouldn’t take the usual, necessary precautions against the swine flu. However. I got the swine flu and I thought I should share my experience.
As it turned out, it wasn’t a big deal at all. Probably because I am not a 54-year-old woman with downs syndrome. When my wife first told me she had the swine flu I was like, “Alright, well I don’t want to get the swine flu so for the next seven to 14 days I’ll just talk to you from across the room, and we’ll have sex by loading my genitals into a slingshot contraption that I fire at your vagina from afar until you are well.”
Instead of that we made out all the time and boned every day and I even ate food off her plate, and in no time I got the swine flu too. It lasted about five days, and this is what happened over the course of them:
DAY 1
I woke up with a headache, and dizzy, and spent all day watching old episodes of the Simpsons online.
DAY 2
I still had a headache, and was generally dizzy and a little bit out of it, also I had a low grade fever. Food tasted shittier, which gave me an excuse to eat that low-fat yogurt I bought at Trader Joe’s that I had been putting off eating because it tasted like a philosophy professor’s cum. It turns out that if you try to watch all ten Friday the 13th movies in a row, they get boring right around part five.
DAY 3
Friday the 13th part seven has a hot telekinetic chick in it, so I got re-interested in them again. I still had a fever so I stayed naked most of the day, which is how I got a bunch of Cheeto dust in my pubes. I also got caught standing in front of my window naked and doubled over coughing by a guy walking past. Which isn’t necessarily wrong, or evil, just it’s an unusual state for a stranger to see you in.
DAY 4
I wore clothes the whole day, because my fever was gone, and I generally felt better, not perfect, but better. I tried to exercise, but got tired really fast. I then tried to find a way to enjoy the book “Mrs. Dalloway” that I found in an old box of college stuff. Apparently, it is not physically possible to enjoy reading “Mrs. Dalloway.”
DAY 5
I was pretty much completely well, with a little headache, and a little dizziness. Food tasted good again, but I had already finished all my low-fat yogurt, mission accomplished. I got to use the fact that I had swine flu to make everyone in line at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf really nervous.
So basically, I’m completely fine. And it was no big deal. And if you get swine flu, unless you are a baby and also get bitten by a black widow at the exact same time, you’ll probably be OK too. If you’d like to read an article about the thing from which all swine flu emanates, check out this humorous tidbit about John Mayer.
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