Tiger Woods Had Sex With Rachel Uchitel, Kalika Moquin, and Jaimee Grubbs

By Mark Lorenz on December 1st, 2009

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Alright. Let’s make this speedy. If Tiger has ever putted on your green, or investigated your back-nine with his wood, put your hands up. If he’s ever sunk his balls in you, with his incredible stroke, just talk to the media. And for the love of God, let’s stop making sexual innuendos with golf.

Tiger Woods is rich beyond belief. He’s got an insanely hot supermodel wife who is hotter than every other trophy wife put together. She’d eat Khloe Kardashian alive, if she could get her mouth around that wookiee. Unfortunately, if reports are to be believed, women are crawling out of the woodwork to claim that they’ve had sex with him. Literally crawling. And, not surprisingly, they’re all skanky looking cocktail waitresses, or the like. To quote Katt Williams, “Women, you are at war with raggedy bitches. If you won’t suck your man’s dick, I know a raggedy bitch who will.”

The raggedy bitches in question are Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel. Rachel Uchitel dates rich dudes exclusively, and probably thinks she’s a special snowflake. She denies the affair. Meanwhile, Jaimee Grubbs has appeared on VH1’s “Tool Academy,” which makes the accusation even weirder. She’s even released texts to the press, no doubt from a contact named, “THIS IS TOTES TIGER WOODS.” What’d the texts say?

“I will wear you out…when was the last time you got fucked?”

“Send me something very naughty…Go to the bathroom and take (a picture).”

Jaimee claims she’s had a 31-month affair with Tiger. Which is good, cause she wound up on VH1. Where the raggedy bitches go.

And that’s their new motto. Let’s see how this plays out.

**Update-

Apparently, now Rachel Uchitel has confessed to the affair, and another woman, Kalika Moquin, has come out and confessed that she, too, slept with Tiger Woods. What do they all have in common? They all look like raggedy bitches, compared to his wife. Jesus christ, I wouldn’t sleep with these women if you PAID me, and if you’ve got a billion dollars, unless you’re completely socially retarded, you shouldn’t have to, either. It seems like Tiger Woods has a type: ready and willing.