Every Tuesday from now on I will be using my new invention, The Honesty Machine, to filter through relevant or interesting statements by politicians and celebrities to find out what that politician or celebrity is really saying.
Now, for those of you who are wondering what The Honesty Machine is, let me explain. In 2002 I was working in my basement with a bunch of leftover things from around my house in the hopes of building a vacuum with soft edges that would masturbate me while I did my writing to help me save time. Failed experiment after failed experiment ensued. I accidentally made a robot that could make incredible waffles, but it also got angry and rushed to attack you if you gave it compliments about said delicious waffles.
Sadly, such a robot was not viable, and though my waffles are lackluster in comparison, we are all in much less danger. I then succeeded in accidentally creating a racist toothbrush that cleaned teeth great if you were white, but made your teeth dirtier if you were Hispanic or African-American. After destroying the hateful toothbrush I was just about fed up with the whole damn endeavor and ready to give up my quest to build a time saving masturbation vacuum, when I decided to give it one last try. And failed.
But my failure turned out to be a great success, as while I failed at creating what I had intended to create, I had accidentally created something incredibly useful: A machine that could translate the actual things people said into what they actually meant when they said them.
Example of a sentence put through The Honesty Machine:
Richard Nixon: “I am not a crook.”
That same sentence when fed through The Honesty Machine:
Richard Nixon: “I am in fact a crook, and also I want us to stay in Vietnam at least until the year 2030.”
With the such a powerful machine at my disposal I realized there was only one thing I could do—after all, with great power comes great responsibility. So I did what all great heroes have done when given the power to change the world: I decided to write a once a week column for Manolith.com. And in this column each week, I will use The Honesty Machine on something some important person said.
This week I am translating the what the United States has said it will agree to at the Copenhagen summit:
The terms the United States has said it will agree to: “We offer to cut emissions by 17 percent from 2005 levels by 2020, a 30-percent reduction by 2025, a 42-percent drop by 2030 and a fall of 83 percent by 2050.”
Those terms when filtered through The Honesty Machine: “Thirty percent of the people in our country don’t even believe in evolution, let alone climate change. Sure, pretty much every other country on Earth is offering to agree to significantly more impactful and much stricter terms, but we have more nuclear missiles than you, so you can go to hell. The European Union thinks it’s so super-progressive just because their McDonalds use free range cattle and no European ever maintained a ‘natural history museum’ that featured Adam and Eve riding dinosaurs. But if they’re so great, how come they can’t do this?” (At which point the U.S. uses it’s powerful chest muscles to crack a walnut with its pecs.)
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