Conversations With Irate John Mayer Fans

By Mark Lorenz on November 30th, 2009

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I’ve written my fair share of ridiculousness on this website. But the one thing that’s gotten me more harassed than anything is a quick review I did of John Mayer’s latest album, Battle Studies, a few days ago. The following are a sampling of conversations that have happened as a result. What do they have in common? Boring musicians really like John Mayer. Like, really like John Mayer. They flock together, like Glitter and Doom. Which is an album John Mayer fans should listen to. These were much longer, but the boring parts were cut out. See what I did there? It’s possible to do with art, as well.

Fan 1

2:23:45 Them: are you a music reviewer?
2:23:48 ME: Yes.
2:23:57 Them: you wrote the battle studies review?
2:24:11 ME: Yes, I did.
2:24:28 Them: you have no idea how to interpret song meanings
2:24:39 ME: Why don’t you write a sensitive song about your outrage?

2:27:01 ME: If you actually read what I wrote, which I doubt you did in your mellow outrage, I said the album was boring, and put me to sleep, and I wouldn’t review it normally.
2:27:24 ME: Enjoy your weather channel music.
2:27:28 Them: then id say you have a low attention span and a bad taste
2:27:43 Them: enjoy your “unique” lifestyle
2:27:46 Them: faggot
2:29:09 Them: youre a typical writer that thinks anything mainstream is boring
2:29:15 Them: get a life
2:29:19 ME: I’ve heard that before, but here’s the thing.
2:29:20 ME: I don’t.
2:29:23 ME: But John Mayer is boring.
2:29:40 ME: And generally his fans are, as well.
2:30:59 Them: that was the incorrect usage of a comma

Fan 2

4:39:17 Them: hey remember me from yesterday?
4:41:17 ME: Yeah, you’re the weepy John Mayer fan.
4:42:18 ME: I’m not that stoned, where I can’t remember who I talked to yesterday, and then enjoy John Mayer records.
4:43:16 Them: i just wanted to ask you, can you tell me what ‘who says’ is about?
4:43:54 Them: not what one lyric is about, what is the entire songs message
4:44:17 ME: You’re serious? You’re seriously extrapolating deep philosophical messages from John Mayer songs?
4:47:20 Them: ok, so once again
4:47:28 Them: can you tell me the message behind who says
4:47:51 ME: The message is you need to go outside, and listen to music with an actual message.
4:48:12 Them: hmm, it seems like youre avoiding answering me, wouldnt you say?
4:48:22 ME: Yes. You’re a goddamn genius.
4:48:40 Them: so can you tell me the message behind the song
4:48:54 ME: After you tell me the message behind Nick Cave’s Into My Arms.
4:49:07 ME: I’m not your monkey.
4:50:09 Them: so yes or no?
4:50:28 ME: I told you. I’m not your monkey. I listened to that album twice, then promptly forgot about it. Because it’s forgettable.

4:50:52 ME: And isn’t worth the time picking over. Listen to some Raphael Saadiq, then get back to me.
4:57:49 Them: lol, good luck man
4:57:52 Them: again, good bye
4:57:55 Them: youre adorable
4:58:07 Them: nope
4:58:10 Them: dont type back
4:58:12 Them: good bye
4:58:24 ME: What are you, 13?
4:58:55 Them: im a 32 year old professor of composition at the berklee college of music in boston
4:59:12 Them: see ya
4:59:16 ME: HAHAHAHAHAHA.
4:59:31 ME: Oh, jesus. That’s gold.
5:01:15 ME: Oh, lawdy.
5:01:19 ME: Seriously?
5:01:32 ME: SERIOUSLY?
5:04:13 ME: Then maybe you can call up John Mayer and get me my 50 minutes back.

Fan 3

1:53:31 Them: you need to stop reviewing music
1:53:54 ME: Are you another irate mellow-rock fan?
1:53:57 Them: yea cause u wouldnt know a good album if it hit you in the fave
1:53:59 Them: *face
1:54:10 ME: I would probably know it if it hit me in either of those places.

1:56:34 ME: Did you pass out?
1:56:40 ME: Are you listening to Battle Studies right now?
1:56:48 Them: no actually im not
1:56:56 ME: Cause it does that with you.
1:57:31 ME: It’s like listening to Carl Sagan’s voice.
1:57:44 Them: i’m guessing your didnt like blood on the tracks either
1:58:01 ME: Never compare Bob Dylan to John Mayer.
1:58:25 Them: yea cause dylan could play guitar so much better
1:58:40 ME: That’s all that music is?
1:58:46 ME: Then go listen to Yngwie Malmsteen.

2:01:29 Them: so what was wrong with assasin
2:02:39 Them: did you pass out
2:02:44 ME: I did.
2:02:48 ME: I tried listening to Assassin.
2:02:54 Them: funny
2:03:56 Them: did you even listen to continuum
2:04:03 Them: or fucking try
2:04:06 ME: Yes. I tried.

2:05:47 ME: Let me guess, you play guitar.
2:06:03 ME: You’re very passionate about music, and try to write songs.
2:06:34 Them: i actually attend juilliard play cordoba and yea i compose from time to time
2:07:05 ME: You go to Julliard, and took the review I wrote very seriously?
2:07:45 Them: wasn’t i suppose too
2:07:47 ME: And listen to John Mayer very seriously?
2:07:57 ME: Is music the only thing you can read?

2:08:09 ME: I said in the text, that the album was boring, and I wouldn’t review it traditionally.
2:08:30 ME: I like music that moves me. To do things besides shop at the GAP.
2:11:34 Them: so is this your job
2:11:58 ME: Being harassed over AIM?
2:12:03 ME: No, it’s more of a hobby.
2:12:28 Them: wow that just blows my mind
2:12:33 ME: I KNOW, BRAH.
2:12:41 ME: YOU BEST TAKE ANOTHER HIT AND LISTEN TO WHO SAYS.
2:12:47 ME: CAUSE, DAMN.
2:13:55 Them: i had time to kill before my practice
2:15:09 ME: So you chose to spend that time arguing on the interwebs?
2:16:24 Them: I could be talking to all the nerdy brahs around me
2:16:40 ME: You could be, brah. Or you could be waiting on the world to change.
2:16:58 Them: wow
2:17:04 Them: are you black
2:17:10 Them: cause your giving us a bad name

I decided it was best to end there. Stay tuned.