Apparently, You Can’t Piss Into A Condom

By Daniel Dominguez on November 30th, 2009

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We all do things that we later regret, when we’re wasted. We go driving when we shouldn’t, we eat at Taco Bell, we have sex with the chick in overalls and the blonde mustache we met outside a 7-eleven that one time when we were 19. I, myself, get drunk probably around once a month, which for someone my age is “average” or “not depressing.” I have friends my age, though, who get drunk three or four times a week, and they are known as “drunk a lot” or “people you don’t recommend for a job.” But on those occasions when I do get drunk, I tend to make fairly grandiose mistakes. One time I ended up trying to get on a train at an old train yard, another time I posted a blog about how my dad is gay, even though my dad’s not gay. Here’s a recent problematic drunken event I had that I figured you manolithers would get a kick out of:

So when you’re really drunk like I was last night, and the bathroom is already occupied and you really have to go, you shouldn’t frantically look around, see a condom on the table and then try to pee into it.  It doesn’t make the condom get bigger like a balloon. It just shoots back … onto you. All of it … onto you. And then, when your girlfriend walks in holding a glass of red wine like an adult and sees your own piss shoot up at you, don’t scream-laugh, “I think I’m making a big mistake!”

Because there will be no sex for you. Ever again.

By the way, if you like sex, and I recommend that you do, here’s something you should look at that will make you think of sex.