Gullible Michael Jackson fans sat in a circle around a psychic recently and listened to him pretend that he contacted Michael Jackson from beyond the grave. The fans swore that celebrity medium Derek Acorah was able to contact and channel Michael Jackson because they, “looked into Derek’s eyes, and it was [Michael].” Which means either A) That Derek Acorah summoned Michael Jackson, or B) That Michael Jackson had the eyes of a really old British man.
According to Acorah/Michael, Michael is in heaven mostly hanging out with his grandparents, which sounds like a pretty shitty thing for heaven to do to a guy. Imagine how pissed off you would be if you got to heaven and the first thing you saw was your grandparents and they were like, “Hey come hang out with us, we’re going to eat Werthers Originals and talk about how tired our feet get, for FOREVER.”
Based on that information, it’s my guess that Michael Jackson actually ended up in hell, especially if you take into account Jean-Paul Sarte’s famous quote, “Hell is either other people, or spending eternity with your grandparents, yeah it’s one of those two things. And I would know because I am the brilliant and respected Jean-Paul Sarte.”
If Michael Jackson really went to heaven, the first thing he would have seen was a giant mechanical slingshot full of cleanly shaven eight-year-old children. Or a happy chimpanzee wearing a Pinocchio outfit holding up a bowl full of kinky blonde pubic hair and a spoon.
Also according to Acorah/Michael, he’s upset that he’s not buried next to Marilyn Monroe, which isn’t the first celebrity Acorah has channeled who’s upset to be buried where they are. Apparently, Walt Whitman was upset that he wasn’t ground up and turned into whiskey, and Jim Morrison was upset that his body wasn’t stuffed full of quarters and then flown around the world and delivered to people who were feeling generally content in order to upset them.
For more stories about people that lie to get attention, check out this fine Manolith article on Balloon Boy.
Comments
msinnovations
November 27th, 2009 - 5:10:11 PM
I get your sarcasm about this "Physic" and what he did was totally ridiculous. But that cheap shot at Michael Jackson and the sling shot comment was and is a really crappy thing to write. If you are a biased journalist then you should go back to your roots and figure out if being a J--K is what is your " calling". He was innocent and do your research before you put it in print.. I get what you were saying but that comment about someone that has passed away is totally disrespectful.
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Chris
November 28th, 2009 - 1:33:17 AM
This website sucks. Totally biased and disrespectful. You suck at writing and life.
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Chris
November 28th, 2009 - 1:33:18 AM
This website sucks. Totally biased and disrespectful. You suck at writing and life.
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rick
November 30th, 2009 - 10:09:59 PM
The comments about MJ are fine by me. Dead or alive, the man was seriously in need of psychiatric help and obviously very, very emotionally disturbed. I am, however, offended by the comment you make about grandparents. Maybe your experience was very different than mine, but I honestly hope to see my grandmother in the afterlife. She was one of very few beings who ever showed me love. I want to see her and my cats. Now, seeing any other family members would definitely be hell for me... And btw, there are real psychics out there along with the fakes, I've experienced things first hand that if you saw, it would make you wish you were in hell with your grandparents...
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OnEyeDog
December 1st, 2009 - 3:06:34 AM
haha. This is too awesome. Love it when people take things personally.
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Anonymous
December 2nd, 2009 - 3:18:44 PM
Ur such a loser, talking about the dead and grandparents...u must have had an unhappy childhood.
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Anonymous
December 2nd, 2009 - 3:20:03 PM
Stupid fucking journalist.
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Mrs. Sanders
December 12th, 2009 - 12:37:04 PM
I think the person responsible for this article is a complete asshole. Since when do we make fun of someones passing? I think it was clearly disrespectful of you to say such harsh things about Michael Jackson who by the way happens to be in my opinion "the greatest musician who ever lived". I wish people would please leave Michael alone about those child molestation cases that he was found "NOT GUILTY" of all damn charges.So get over it and get a damn life.If Michael was guilty he would have been found guilty he was not so screw you.R.I.P Michael. At least now you can truly find complete happiness and you don't have to have assholes like this on your case anymore. God will protect you and keep you safe and in his grace. He will never mislead you or hurt you because he loves you best. We miss you Michael so much and we love you dearly!
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