Johnny Depp Beats Me For Title of Sexiest Man Alive

By Daniel Dominguez on November 26th, 2009

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Johnny Depp and I are both considered to be sexually attractive males. We both have traits that all women value equally. Johnny has a biologically unique and “scientifically flawless” jawline. I went bald at 21. When Johnny Depp smiles, hummingbirds land on the edges of his mouth. My left arm has way more definition than my right arm. Johnny was somehow able to make a pony tail seem edgy. My sweat smells like trash.

People magazine described Johnny Depp as, “the king of cool with the killer cheekbones,” and went on to describe me as, ” Daniel Dominguez? Who’s Daniel Dominguez? Is he that guy got kicked out of the Hollywood Bowl for not showering?”

Johnny Depp beat out a lot of stiff competition this year, Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, he even beat out his own alter ego–Captain Jack Sparrow. Women agree that Johnny Depp is possibly the single most attractive man born in the 20th century, and guys agree that he is effeminate-looking enough that if we accidentally get a boner watching Pirates of the Caribbean 3, we’d consider it an honest mistake.

So I’m not saying that Johnny Depp didn’t deserve to be nominated for the award. He is obviously a good looking man. I once saw him outside of a Starbucks on Lincoln and Winnetka. A homeless guy walked up to him and asked him for change to buy whiskey with, and Johnny Depp pulled the homeless man’s face right up to his face, breathed his Johnny Depp breath on the homeless guy, and then walked away. And when the homeless guy looked down he found that his clothes were clean, his hair was cut, and he had a management level job at a popular Fortune 500 company.

Nonetheless, I tire of being passed over again and again by People magazine for “Sexiest Man of the Year” just because my back hair reaches so high that sometimes people mistake it for a mustache. And also, I am in no way famous or valued. But I guess I’m just going to have to try again next year–I think I’ll start by trying to get my right arm to be the same size as my left arm.

Also, for a fine story on the sexiest of all political ideologies, check out Mark Lorenz’s blog about a new Conservative Children’s Book.