John Mayer recently said in an interview, in an assertion crazier than a fish with titties, that his music is much more powerful than his love life. Despite the fact that his music is like a butterfly gently caressing you with a feather: More annoying than powerful, easily dismissed, but women love the sound of it.
He also said that he hated it when people just guessed who the songs he wrote were about. Which is all this review will contain, because Battle Studies put me to sleep on a beautiful Sunday. In the middle of the day. And if it didn’t do the same to you, re-evaluate your life.
Friends, Lover, or Nothing – Bea Arthur
Clearly influenced by the Golden Girls’ theme, this is John Mayer’s heartfelt poem to one of his heros: the acid-tongued gay icon whom he made love to in the back of an El Camino before he hit it big. After his lackluster performance, she made a witty comment about how he should be playing a meat flute, and Mayer was smitten. This song was the result.
Heartbreak Warfare – General Patton (or Jennifer Aniston)
Between long stretches of highway on Colorado’s I-88, John Mayer took to caressing himself to the opening sequence of Patton. The fact that General Patton died in a tragic car accident did nothing to stop Mayer’s longing. Neither did his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, which may be the actual subject of the song. But isn’t.
All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye – Bai Ling
In order to repel John Mayer’s advances, Bai Ling had to pretend she didn’t know English, and would only tell him goodbye repeatedly. He didn’t understand why, and wound up writing a sensitive song about it.
Half Of My Heart – Gwyneth Paltrow
In the dramatic finale of Iron Man, where Gwyneth Paltrow assists Robert Downey Jr., and gets his heart beating again, Mayer was struck by inspiration. And a boner. And that’s when he writes his best songs. With an inspiration boner.
Who Says – Nancy Reagan
Who says you can’t get stoned? Nancy Reagan did. John Mayer knows. He felt up her boobs after talking about stem cell research, then wrote a song that sounded like Mississippi John Hurt.
Perfectly Lonely – The Weather Channel
Not technically a person, but John Mayer was tired of hearing songs on the Weather Channel that he didn’t write, so he rectified that by writing a song that belongs on the Weather Channel.
Assassin – Benazir Bhutto
Too soon? Not for John Mayer. He thought she was hot.
Crossroads – No Comment
The best song on his album, Mayer does what he does best, and strips all the edges off of it and makes it sound like a smoky jazz lounge. For people in their 50′s.
War of My Life – Mindy-Sue, His Schoolgirl Crush
Is anybody listening to these lyrics? Seriously? John Mayer is one of the worst lyricists in history. He writes lyrics like Justin Timberlake, if he were to bludgeon himself with a wrench. He rhymes war of my life with door of my life. Then he goes crazy and rhymes it with core. Slow down, Mayer. Not really, cause this album is like Morpheus’ ambrosia.
Edge of Desire – Martha Stewart
Mayer found her old modeling pictures, and after a pot-brownie binge, he realized not only did Martha inspire his songs, but his cooking. He bought oven mitts, wore them, and played his guitar. And this song came from his oven mitts.
Do You Know Me – Clara, His Octogenarian Lover
Mayer is not a man who discriminates, so after pursuing women, men, and wildlife of all ages, he settled on a happily retired Maude-like figure. Unfortunately, she succumbed to Alzheimer’s. Mayer wrote this song in the hopes that it could bring her out of it, similar to The Notebook. She called the cops.
Oh, god, that was the most boring 50 minutes of my life.