John Mayer recently said in an interview, in an assertion crazier than a fish with titties, that his music is much more powerful than his love life. Despite the fact that his music is like a butterfly gently caressing you with a feather: More annoying than powerful, easily dismissed, but women love the sound of it.
He also said that he hated it when people just guessed who the songs he wrote were about. Which is all this review will contain, because Battle Studies put me to sleep on a beautiful Sunday. In the middle of the day. And if it didn’t do the same to you, re-evaluate your life.
Friends, Lover, or Nothing – Bea Arthur
Clearly influenced by the Golden Girls’ theme, this is John Mayer’s heartfelt poem to one of his heros: the acid-tongued gay icon whom he made love to in the back of an El Camino before he hit it big. After his lackluster performance, she made a witty comment about how he should be playing a meat flute, and Mayer was smitten. This song was the result.
Heartbreak Warfare – General Patton (or Jennifer Aniston)
Between long stretches of highway on Colorado’s I-88, John Mayer took to caressing himself to the opening sequence of Patton. The fact that General Patton died in a tragic car accident did nothing to stop Mayer’s longing. Neither did his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, which may be the actual subject of the song. But isn’t.
All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye – Bai Ling
In order to repel John Mayer’s advances, Bai Ling had to pretend she didn’t know English, and would only tell him goodbye repeatedly. He didn’t understand why, and wound up writing a sensitive song about it.
Half Of My Heart – Gwyneth Paltrow
In the dramatic finale of Iron Man, where Gwyneth Paltrow assists Robert Downey Jr., and gets his heart beating again, Mayer was struck by inspiration. And a boner. And that’s when he writes his best songs. With an inspiration boner.
Who Says – Nancy Reagan
Who says you can’t get stoned? Nancy Reagan did. John Mayer knows. He felt up her boobs after talking about stem cell research, then wrote a song that sounded like Mississippi John Hurt.
Perfectly Lonely – The Weather Channel
Not technically a person, but John Mayer was tired of hearing songs on the Weather Channel that he didn’t write, so he rectified that by writing a song that belongs on the Weather Channel.
Assassin – Benazir Bhutto
Too soon? Not for John Mayer. He thought she was hot.
Crossroads – No Comment
The best song on his album, Mayer does what he does best, and strips all the edges off of it and makes it sound like a smoky jazz lounge. For people in their 50’s.
War of My Life – Mindy-Sue, His Schoolgirl Crush
Is anybody listening to these lyrics? Seriously? John Mayer is one of the worst lyricists in history. He writes lyrics like Justin Timberlake, if he were to bludgeon himself with a wrench. He rhymes war of my life with door of my life. Then he goes crazy and rhymes it with core. Slow down, Mayer. Not really, cause this album is like Morpheus’ ambrosia.
Edge of Desire – Martha Stewart
Mayer found her old modeling pictures, and after a pot-brownie binge, he realized not only did Martha inspire his songs, but his cooking. He bought oven mitts, wore them, and played his guitar. And this song came from his oven mitts.
Do You Know Me – Clara, His Octogenarian Lover
Mayer is not a man who discriminates, so after pursuing women, men, and wildlife of all ages, he settled on a happily retired Maude-like figure. Unfortunately, she succumbed to Alzheimer’s. Mayer wrote this song in the hopes that it could bring her out of it, similar to The Notebook. She called the cops.
Oh, god, that was the most boring 50 minutes of my life.
Comments
zac
November 27th, 2009 - 5:45:04 AM
woah, what. You obviously arent a music person (fyi being a fan of lady gaga, journey, and creed, dosnt make you a music person). This album was great. When you listen to a john mayer album you dont listen and expect a up tempo pop rock album. He's known for having a soulfull chill songs, and ladies (and men if they admit it) enjoy that. I mean the guy can get laid by any female of his choice, and untill you can do that, try and write better, funnier, or more entertaining reviews
Tippy
November 27th, 2009 - 9:53:55 AM
everyone is entitled to their own opinion about music - and my opinion about John Mayer is, stragely, the same as Mark's. Yes, he can play, yes, we get he's good with a guitar. Some of us just don't go in for the, ahem, "soulfulness" of it all. YAWN @ John Mayer.
Jacob
November 27th, 2009 - 2:10:50 PM
i cannot stand this review. i do not mind negative reviews at all. both perspectives are important to represent. but this is just out of line. it is simply the author’s attempt to be edgy and funny, and he totally missed the mark. completely random references that just sound plain stupid, and zero credible, constructive criticism. …major eye roll...boring read.
john
November 28th, 2009 - 1:41:41 PM
another spot on review of a boring songwriter. no self respecting songwriter rhymes "life" with "life". It's just not done.
Moe
November 30th, 2009 - 7:26:15 AM
I just can't take this review seriously..it seems more like a chance to crack jokes than a serious review. Next time, it'd be better if you could listen to the album objectively and write something more intelligent instead of fantasizing during most of the review.
Mark's biggest "fan"
December 1st, 2009 - 1:26:39 PM
Thanks for the laugh. The reviewing part itself was absolutely horrendously bad. But as said, it was so bad I seriously laughed
phil
December 1st, 2009 - 2:13:09 PM
I've been a John Mayer fan ever since his first album came out and I think Battle Studies sucks. I've listen to every record countless times and this one just isn't up to par IMO. I think he peaked right when he played his "Where the Light Is" show in LA. Now that DVD was sick. It showed his musical maturity, rad blues guitar skills, and it just rocked over all. Now his voice has always been an issue for me. If anyone else sings, you can't sound 40% voice and 60% breath unless you try and boy does he ever. His John Mayer Trio album and Continuum were the best things he's ever done and it just makes me sad to see him sell out again. I mean Taylor Swift sang on his record. What a disappointment. Oh and I've played guitar for 12 years and went to Berklee. So yes, I'm a "music person."
Tim
December 9th, 2009 - 10:26:40 PM
The only thing that made me laugh about this page was phil's comment above about playing guitar for 12 years, going to Berklee, getting his shit-talking degree, and becoming the baddest-assed dude on the planet. While I may not be as certified as Phil, I think this album is pretty solid and only slightly fails to reach the bar set by Continuum. People seem be criticizing this as a pop album, seemingly confusing "pop" with "crap." Realize that the Beatle's wrote pop songs. It's a style, not a measure of quality, and to assume the latter is plain snobbery. And while I can be a music snob myself, I have no hesitation admitting Mayer is among the best lyricists I've heard, and Battle Studies is yet another exercise in honest, subtle and engaging songwriting. And Taylor Swift has a nice voice. What's the deal? Phil, you sound like an idiot.
Jordan
January 22nd, 2010 - 11:50:10 AM
I am a guitar player and I am a big JM fan. But I have to agree with the review. Next to 'Who Says' it feels like he cut his nuts off with one hand and then called in the album with the other. This was all done while lying on the couch obviously, because he was too depressed to get off it. Even the Crossroads cover lacked guts - which any bar band can tear open. Now...I know JM has serious talent, and I won't agree with anyone who says he peaked, because music creation is full of peaks and valleys. But this album was created in the valley, and maybe should have been left there as an album release.