Cougarlith: Sharon Stone

By Mark Lorenz on November 26th, 2009

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Breaking news: a Hollywood starlet has beaten back the aging demons us common folk succumb to all too often. Also, the sky is blue, Dave Eggers is a good writer, and the pope shits in the woods. Wait. I did that last one wrong.

Sharon Stone. She’s an actress known and beloved to the world by being in a few groundbreaking movies and a few really bad ones, but all the while being a tall statuesque Aryan wet dream. And these days, she’s making waves by posing all sexy-like on the cover of a French magazine.

One thing you may notice about Sharon Stone is that she’s 90% legs. A house could be built on her foundation, and would not go wanting. If cannibals ever caught her and tried to eat her, her legs would feed a village long enough for them to evolve and take over the civilized world. She’s like a midget on stilts. Rumor has it she was created by John Hammond when he combined the DNA of a giraffe and Nico. If you ever want to watch the most sexually charged, awkward interview in history, watch Jon Stewart’s interview with her on “The Daily Show.”

And if you think she’s limited as an actress, watch “Casino.” She plays a crazy woman who takes over a man’s life. Then watch “Basic Instinct,” where she…never mind. Let’s just look at those goddamn legs.

And she’s said some weird things before in the past, but she’s hot and most likely crazy. So we let them slide a little.

Plus, look at those goddamn legs.