Romantic comedies have long been the bane of the male movie going experience. Partly because we’re afraid to admit to ourselves that we need love as much as any woman, and partly because everyone secretly thinks Julia Roberts looks like a guy. But we must still go to these movies, of that there is no doubt. For after we’ve forced our girlfriend to watch “Predator 2″ for the 17th time, and said, “Seriously, Megan, it’s so rad, I mean, the spaceship has like 40 fucking predators in it! And there’s a Rasta drug dealer! For Pete’s sake woman, he’s wearing a leopard print bathrobe and holding a staff made of bones!” for the 17th time it’s natural and necessary that the woman get a little payback in the form of a romantic comedy.
And while there are romantic comedies out there that guys can relate to (”Reservoir Dogs”, “Chinatown”, “Legally Blonde 3: The Quickening”), by and large we could use a little bit of something to enhance our romantic comedy going experience to make it easier for us to sit through a ten minute scene where a bunch of secretaries make jokes about how Cameron Diaz shouldn’t be wearing white to her wedding. Below are listed the Top 10 Things That Should be Done to Romantic Comedies to Have Guys Like Them:
1. Have Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino get into a shootout in an abandoned airport in the middle of the movie.
2. Give Dylan McDermott breasts that he constantly keeps exposed.
3. Note to the Big First Kiss scene: way more chest-bursting aliens.
4. The wacky gay best friend has a shotgun instead of a left arm. And it goes off and accidentally blows away a cashier every time there’s a shopping montage.
5. A series of blooper reels during the end credits that just show Cameron Diaz going to the bathroom while sexy music plays.
6. Three important words: Wise-cracking Vestigial Twin.
7. Cast Bill Paxton as the nervous Space Marine/next door neighbor that eventually gets eaten by a swarm of gorilla aliens after giving the female protagonist bad advice about how to behave on a first date.
8. Have Anthony Hopkins do the narration, but make sure everyone can tell he’s drunk and thinking about death because he keeps trailing off from the main narration to yell angrily about how he can, “smell death circling him… looking for a weakness… a way in.”
9. The female protagonist sets her best friend, who’s looking out for her but keeps steering her in the wrong direction, up on a blind date, but it turns out the female protagonist sets her up with Heath Ledger’s Joker. So on their blind date they go to a seafood restaurant, and everything goes great until The Joker cuts her face open with a broken piece of lobster shell, and she bleeds to death out of the gaping smile wound extending from her mouth. And then it turns out the female protagonist is Batman and must fight Joker without the help of the city’s elected officials, blurring the line between fascist vigilantism and justice.
10. Forty-five minutes into the movie it turns out someone taped over it with “The Departed”, and then you just watch that instead.
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