I always try to make more of the titles of my articles sound like classic children’s films than not. For instance, my article on the danger Roe v. Wade is in as Senate Democrats become more conservative is called, “The Littlest Women’s Rights Amendment and the Unhappy Wolf Go To Crystal Mountain.”
Having nothing to do with any of that though, Barack Obama made his first official Presidential pardon today. For Thanksgiving, as is traditional, he pardoned a turkey named “Courage”. In contrast to that, George W. Bush’s first presidential pardon, in 2001, was a pedophile board member of Enron who liked to get drunk and throw knives at women who passed by his living room window. However, to George W. Bush’s credit, that man’s name was also Courage.
Obama joked about wanting to forgo the tradition and eat the lucky turkey. In a terrifying bit of historical coincidence, George W. Bush kept making that joke about every single person he pardoned, and every time he did it he seemed less and less like he was joking.
The turkey was 45 pounds, which is 314 less pounds than Precious, who Barack Obama did not pardon.
If you want, you can go to Yahoo News and see a slideshow of Barack Obama pardoning the turkey with a bunch of smiling Washington insiders standing by. Yahoo News has titled this slideshow “The World’s Shittiest, Most Boring Slideshow.”