Lambert Rejected By Good Morning America, Which Is A Compliment

By Daniel Dominguez on November 24th, 2009

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“Good Morning America,” which recently received the 2009 awards for “Most Tepid” and “News Show Most Likely To Feature Diane Sawyer Laughing About A Dog Wearing Glasses,” has decided to cancel Adam Lambert’s live morning show concert performance. According to an ABC spokesperson, “Given his controversial live performance on the AMAs we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning.”

Which leads me to conclude that ABC news believes “controversy” to be like a double bacon cheeseburger, or a half full glass of Jack Daniels–if you have it before 4 p.m. you’ve got a problem. The last thing we need, the head honchos over at Good Morning America apparently think, is for people who get up early in the morning to realize that homosexuality exists.

Fortunately for me, I had my handy dandy Honesty Machine–patent pending–with me while the ABC spokesman was making his comments, so I was able to to filter his statement through the machine to find out what he was really saying, which was, “We used to love Adam Lambert until we found out he had an alternative lifestyle that he was overt about, then we found him challenging and terrifying. Don’t get me wrong, we love homosexuals… as long as they dress like us, act like us, and try their best to lower the tone of their voices when they speak. Also we had a bunch of extra footage of a a 4-year-old trying unsuccessfully to say ‘precipitate’ that we though was just plain hilarious.”

Other quote unquote important people weighed in on the subject as well. Tim Winter, president of the Parents Television Council, said, “[Lambert] chose to treat American families to simulated oral sex and other demeaning behavior.” A note to all the women out there: Tim Winter thinks performing oral sex is demeaning. So the next time you and your gal pals are all sitting around talking about how much you want to blow Tim Winter, president of the Parents Television Council, remember that he thinks you are demeaning yourselves by doing so, particularly if you’re doing it on live television at between 7:00 and 9:00 a.m. in the morning, on ABC. As a side note, by the way, he’s not wrong. Nine out of 10 scientists now believe that it is completely demeaning to engage in any kind of sexual congress with Tim Winter. It’s true.

The Fundamentalist Christian God (his friends call him “Rambo Jesus“) weighed in at a press conference on Tuesday as well, stating, “I really wanted to shoot Lambert with lighting, or hit him with a tornado, because I hate homosexuals so much. But I couldn’t because I’m not real.”

But don’t worry controversy fans, ABC and “Good Morning America” haven’t completely forgotten about you. Next week, to make up for not featuring a potentially semi-moderately lewd display from Adam Lambert on their program, “Good Morning America” is going to run a montage of all their most shocking and thought-provoking segments, including, “Live footage: baby sleeps soundly, undisturbed, for 40 minutes,” “Couple in their early-30s leaves dog alone at home while they go see a movie, things turn out great,” and the story that shocked a nation, “Ducklings. Less adorable as they age?”