Led by Psychologist Dr Colin Hendrie, a team of scientists decided to find out exactly how much skin a woman should show if she wants to attract a man. Yes, more than one scientist decided that they should do this study. Apparently the research team had narrowed down the experiments they wanted to do to either that study, “determining the effective of velocity on dark matter,” or, “discovering how much whipped cream a breast requires in order to look awesome.” But to the findings! According to the researchers, the optimal amount of skin for a woman to show is 40%. Any less skin than that and men pass by the woman for one who is more willing to let them see hot parts of her body. The researchers, in my fictional universe where everything is better, referred to the women who showed off more skin as “Optimal Women.”
That said, there are lots of things women can do besides wear clothing that shows off exactly 40% of their bodies. They could wear a shirt that says, “I am willing to give a blowjob to _________,” and then write the name of the guy they want to be noticed by in the blank. They could also get drunk enough that they look easy to convince. They could even have a loud conversation with their friend they’re standing with where they keep referring to their own hands as, “The places where I like to store men’s penises.”
Women who showed more than 40%, surprisingly, were also passed on by men. The researchers theorized this was because men don’t want women whom they perceived might cheat on them later or that might be too easy. Which I never understood. Women that seem like they want to have lots of sex are the best women of all. Those women should be handed awards and painted in great works of art with tales of their greatness passed down from generation to generation. They shouldn’t be shunned by men, which we now know they are, thanks to science. So as a service to all women who show off more than 40% of their body when they go out to the bar, I am officially letting you know that I am there for you.
But wait, you might be saying, what features does Dan have that make him an attractive mate? Well, I am 5′10″, 28-years-old, I just got my first three nostril hairs, and I make slightly under $600 a month. I sometimes sleep out behind a Radio Shack, but it’s the nice Radio Shack near the Beverly Center. If all of that appeals to you, you don’t mind me singing old Smashing Pumpkins songs under my breath when I get nervous, and are a “7″ or better, feel free to contact me.
Speaking of women who show off more than 40% of their bodies, Two Miss Universe competitors recently got caught in a three-way sex tape. By the way, ladies, making and distributing a three-way sex tape is another great way to get men to have sex with you.
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