Adam Lambert Closes AMA’s With Special Brand Of Trying Too Hard

By Mark Lorenz on November 23rd, 2009

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Hey, do you like bondage gear? Do you like asinine dance music? Do you like dudes that fall over? And aesthetic trainwrecks? There’s an artist whose album you might be interested in. His name is Adam Lambert. You should buy it now, because in five years someone will be looking through your CDs — if they still exist– and giggle uncontrollably.

The AMAs were on tonight. One thing I thought, between Rihanna’s rooster mohawk, Lady Gaga being Lady Gaga, and Adam Lambert simulating blowjobs is, this is exactly like a WASP concert from the ’80s. If you wrote good music, you wouldn’t need to set things on fire. If you can do both, that’d be preferable. But if you can only do one, just write good songs.

Adam Lambert capped off the night, though, with a performance that was like two Metra trains colliding slowly. Not only was he singing a mediocre song, ironically, “For Your Entertainment,” he was off-key the majority of it, fell over, was out of breath, simulated blowjobs, kissed a dude on the mouth, screamed, and still managed to be boring. We get it. You like dudes. So did Freddie Mercury and Cole Porter, but they managed to have interesting lives and songwriting talent to go with it.

What was ridiculous was how benign the music was compared to the performance. It’s innocuous dance music. Not that edgy. You might as well play Patsy Cline and whip your dick out. THAT would actually be shocking.

But I’m sure he picked up some fans in the, “I like watching out of breath dudes trip,” category.