Daddy, what should I ask Santa for? Therapy, you should ask him for therapy.
Every year, as kids, we would engage in the national tradition of writing Santa letters as to what we’d want for Christmas. And every year, he’d get drunk and buy us socks. Without fail. Well, we never actually sent off the letters, more left them around so our parents could conveniently find them. And then buy us socks.
In the town of North Pole, however, there is a popular national program where children write letters to Santa and volunteers open them and respond back to them, ensuring the return address is from the North Pole and stoking their little hearts until they’re crushed years later.
But that program is closing down, because one of the volunteers was found out to be a sex offender. By a postal worker in Maryland. You shouldn’t be carrying mail. You have a gift, my friend.
Two years ago an elf in Canada’s version of the system sent out a lewd letter, but they got the problem sorted out. Still, I think it’s unfair to dash the dreams of thousands of little children just because someone they might be associating with might be a registered sex offender. I mean, you’re a registered sex offender if you pee in public, right? What do you think Santa does when he works all night?
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