Koalas May Be Extinct In 30 Years

By Mark Lorenz on November 17th, 2009

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Do you like Koalas? Do you love Koalas? Do you appreciate the stand-up comedy of Mitch Hedberg, when he contemplates, “Koala bears are so goddamn cute. Why they got to be so far away from me?” Does it make you sad when they die in brushfires? Then you should be sad. You should be very sad.

Because they might all be dead soon. Every single one of your koalas. Including Kablooie, the koala who briefly took up residence in the Louisville Zoo. He may die. You know why? Because koalas get chlamydia. I’m sure you’ve never encountered a grosser case of alliteration than that. Koalas get chlamydia. I didn’t even know you could get killed by chlamydia, I thought it was one of the more benign STDs. Somebody get these koalas doxycycline. They don’t have to die. They just need to wrap up their koala gennies. (Interestingly enough, that was a rejected children’s snack.)

Deforestation, wildfires, and chlamydia have left the koala population devastated, dwindling from around 100,000 to 40,000. Global warming is changing their habitat, leading to drier leaves to eat, which leaves them malnourished. So if you know somebody who is still a global warming denier, punch them in the face for me. And tell them that you were sent by koalas.