I’ve always found the similarities between Fox News and The Disney Channel incredibly striking. They both lose huge chunks of audience due to their age, Disney, because they grow up, Fox News, because they die. (Or are killed in hunting accidents. Or rebroadcasts of “War of the Worlds.”) Further, they both appeal to a conservative base because conservative bases are discerning about their entertainment, but not TOO discerning. But even outside the big two the similarities between their flagship stars are, still, quite striking.

Glenn Beck is Miley Cyrus

Both sell out tours, and nobody really knows why. Both are treated in a condescending way by members of their own professions, because they’re kinda nutters, yet keep getting gigs. Both are spawned by poor white trash, (Beck’s words), and both have incredibly doughy faces. Like, you could knead Glenn Beck and Miley’s face together and have a delicious Italian meal.

Bill O’Reilly is Walt Disney

They helped build their respective brand-names, on the backs of baiting white majorities, and casually making fun of minorities. Just casually. Also, they both look like crotchety guys who sit on porches. The only difference is Walt Disney had vision. Bill O’Reilly just has a gigantic head. Literally, a gigantic head.

Greta Van Susteren is Raven Symone

Just because every time I see them, I find myself crying at the TV, “WHY? WHY IS SHE HERE?! SHE’S SO DAMN AWKWARD!” The only difference between the two is Greta Van Susteren talks like a black comic doing a bad impression of a white person. Just like little orphan Annie Coulter.

Little Orphan Annie Coulter is Ashley Tisdale and Lindsay Lohan

They’re both blond, look kinda equine, and are known for playing bitches. Although little Annie Coulter is getting way less convincing than The Tis. But I feel like orphan Annie could also be Lindsay Lohan, as anybody who has seen Annie speak, myself included, has come away convinced that not only does she ramble incoherently, she has an eating disorder.

Sean Hannity is Cole Sprouse

Well, they both look like gigantic babies. And I get the feeling that, like Sean Hannity, if Cole Sprouse was not on TV, he would be working construction. Like Sean Hannity did. Because Sean Hannity never graduated from a college. Enjoy your news.

Mike Huckabee is All of the Country Bears Rolled into a Single Person

Seriously. He is.

Bill Hemmer is Zac Efron

It’s the hair. The hair. The impossibly coiffed hair. Also, the fact that they are porcelain dolls.

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Jane Skinner is Vanessa Hudgens

Both are omnipresent in their company’s productions, and as of this moment, nobody can explain to me why.

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