That sure as hell sounds like a band name and first single, doesn’t it? GPS, “Put It In Your Lady’s Lingerie” featuring Lil’ Boosie. But it’s not. It’s an actual invention. An actual reality you’ll have to deal with. And an actual nightmare I had once, involving the neighbors and a giant moth.
Yes, for the lovers who have everything, now they can have everything and GPS Lingerie. Cause chances are, they didn’t have it before. Realistically, why would they? Why would they have a GPS in their lingerie, unless they’re insanely kinky experimenters from MIT? Designed by Lucia Lorio, the line is called, “Find Me If You Can” and costs near two thousand dollars. What sort of sex games can you play with the GPS Lingerie?
Good question. Let’s go over them briefly.
The Marathon Man
Are things getting boring for you in the bedroom? Are you flaccid and uninteresting? There’s an easy way to remedy this. Put your lover in GPS lingerie. Then tie her down and ask her, “Is it safe?” repeatedly. Until the oral. Afterward, pretend to turn your back or be distracted by something. Suddenly, she’s gone. How will you find her again? WITH THE LINGERIE GPS. You track her down, but she’s gotten a gang of hoodlums to protect her.
The Most Dangerous Game
You invite your beloved over for a delicious steak dinner. There, you give her gifts. The GPS lingerie, running shoes, and a cudgel. You explain to her that your love life has gotten boring, and hunting someone for sex is the most dangerous game. Then you tell her she should run. She refuses, until the warning shots.
The Geo Metro
You put a saddle on your lover, then use her lingerie to find the Denny’s you both shall dine at, awkwardly, as the night staff glares at you. Then you ride her to the Denny’s. Literally. Like she’s a rickshaw.
The Bomb Squad
You set a destination for a nearby field, then walk her to it, all the while acting suspicious. Her GPS tells you that you have arrived, at the specified point, you yell, “IT’S A TRAP,” rip off her lingerie, throw it the ground, and make passionate love, under the pretense that you’re about to die.
The Mad Scientist
You tell your lady that you’ve invented a GPS device you can put in lingerie. When she asks why, you say, “We must make love right now.”
Go to it. And if you fail to find the clitoris or the G-Spot, you will be a walking punchline.
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