Tony Alamo, who has always been neck and neck with Fred Phelps for the prize of “the world’s most fucked up minister,” just got sentenced to 175 years in prison by the state of Arkansas for taking underage girls across state lines for sex. In defense, Alamo repeatedly accused the liberal media and the “One World Government” of lying about him and his sexual trafficking shenanigans. Here is what I believe an interview with Tony Alamo about that might be like:
Tony Alamo stands behind the back of an unmarked white van with a shotgun, slowly unloading foreign looking underage girls, and guiding them into the bushes.
Reporter:Mr. Alamo, what do you say to the accusation that you are trafficking underage girls for sex?
Tony Alamo: That is a bald faced lie purported by the liberal media.
An underage foreign girl walks up to Tony and tugs on his sleeve.
Underage Girl:Where did you say you wanted me to stand while receiving the sex?
Tony Alamo: Behind that bush.
Reporter:And who was that?
Tony Alamo:That was a friend of my wife.
END SCENE
There is so much craziness in this story, it’s hard to pick out any one particular thing. First of all, he’ll get out of prison when he is 250 years old. Which is lucky for Tony Alamo, since his mother was a Presbyterian, and his father was a Giant Galapagos Land Tortoise. Also, according to the Daily News, apparently after the 175-year verdict was handed down, the defense tried to appeal with a doctor who said that Tony Alamo was too unhealthy to serve time, because he suffered from diabetes, hardening arteries, and other ailments, but upon cross examination the doctor admitted that he treated Alamo only a single time, in 2004, “and that the purpose of Alamo’s visit was to get an eye lift to make him appear younger.”
In honor of the sheer madness of Tony Alamo, it is obvious to me, and any thinking person, that to celebrate his 175-year prison sentence the best thing to do is to have a TONY ALAMO VERSUS FRED PHELPS CRAZY OFF
I will list five facts about Tony and Fred, and at the end whoever has the crazier facts is the winner.
TONY ALAMO VERSUS FRED PHELPS CRAZY OFF
1. Tony Alamo: Tony Alamo and his wife manufactured and sold a line of “Tony Alamo” brand sequined denim jackets, a business that eventually landed Alamo in prison for tax evasion.
2. Fred Phelps: Thinks homosexuality killed the Twin Towers.
3. Tony Alamo: When his wife, Susan, died of cancer, Alamo claimed she would be resurrected and kept her body on display for six months in his church.
4. Fred Phelps: Believes that God hates the entire country of Sweden, and runs a website called godhatessweden.com
5. Tony Alamo: Believes that the entire world is secretly run by one government that is in direct battle with him and his church.
6. Fred Phelps: Believes that God hates the entire of country of Ireland, when it is well known that God loves Ireland, because Ireland has the most enjoyable town-hall dances of any nation.
7. Tony Alamo: Believes the second Caddyshack to be vastly superior to the original Caddyshack.
8. Fred Phelps: Thinks that Castlevania: Symphony of the Dark (PS One) is the gayest Castlevania, when the honor of that title obviously goes to Castlevania: Waltz of the Homosexual He-Ghost (Nintendo 64).
9. Tony Alamo: Thinks rocky road ice cream is “too salty.”
10. Fred Phelps: Once ate an entire baby in order to prove an unrelated point about Paul Newman being a great actor.
Well, it’s a close call, but FRED PHELPS wins the Crazy Off by a hair. If it makes you feel any better Tony, the State of Arkansas apparently thinks you’re going to live another 175 years.
And, by the by, for a great article about a movie based on things a lot of other crazy religious people have believed check out this Manolith blog on the new movie “2012.”
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