You’re an upstanding member of our species. But like every member of our species, sometimes you do incredibly dumb things that threaten your standing as, well, an upstanding member of our species.
Fear not–if we can see further, it’s that we’re standing on the shoulders of midgets. Or something.
Convince the persons who matter that it’s all bull.
You’re out on the town with a buddy when you decide to hit a strip joint. You meet a hot stripper there that rocks your world. You take her home–well, not really, because you’re married–but you take her somewhere and have incredible sex. The sex is so good, you tell another buddy about it. You trust your bros. Problem? Your bros are douchebags. Word gets around. Now everyone is talking about it. Damn! Is nothing sacred?
Josh Duhamel, Fergie’s hubby, feels your pain, man. He’s all over the tabloids after those busybodies at The National Enquirer paid off a dancer to spill about their rocking one-night stand. Learn from his technique: deny, question the motives of your accuser, deny, slander the accuser, deny, bestow affection on your beloved, deny, repeat. As long as she believes you, it doesn’t matter what people say. Make her your ally in this ruthless attempt to destroy your union and she will stand up for you herself and call the story nonsense.
WARNING! Quickly assess all evidence available before taking this stance. If there are photos, video, or anything else that could corroborate the story, you will make a bigger mess than the one you started with. Also–do not do this if there are too many previous incidents of reported misbehavior.
Have a buddy take the fall and pay everyone to be quiet.
You’ve been working long hours. It’s a weird combo of stress and adrenaline. You’re on a roll. Things couldn’t be better. But then they somehow do get better (it must be your hair). You meet a sex pot ready for a good time and are banging her retarded in no time between meetings. Your wife has no idea. Damn it feels good! Life could not be sweeter. Until, that is, you find out your side dish’s pregnant. Uh oh! What now?
Make like John Edwards and throw money at the problem. Get a buddy to pretend it’s his deal and compensate both him and your mistress handsomely. Money talks–and silences, too. But be a good douchebag about it and make sure you don’t put it like that–say it’s for the cause. You’re not paying them off, you’re taking care of them for their devotion to the preservation of the status quo.
WARNING! Do not do this if you’re in the government. Once the Feds are involved, all bets are off. Oh, and don’t use company money, either. You don’t want to give anyone any reason to investigate your shenanigans. How to deal if your wife comes asking why you’re paying such hefty sums every month? Tell her they’re social media experts. Twitter is an art, you know. They have huge conferences about it and everything.
Make a public confession so embarrassing, people you know will never want to mention it to you.
You meet a woman at a party while traveling abroad and have a connection. You try to be good–you are married, after all. It seems easy. You live in different countries and all you have is e-mail. You’re just going to be friends. It’s all good. It is… right?
The digital medium is tricky–it makes you feel like the only people in the world. The intimacy and honesty get the best of you. You cave. Oh, you cave, you cave, you cave. The rush makes you stupid. You slip. Soon everyone knows you’re not off decompressing while hiking the Appalachian trail, but in South America, indulging yourself. What to do?
You go home. You let your wife kick you out of the house. You get up in public and make a cringe-inducing apologetic speech. You cry like a baby. You wax poetic about love to an extent that those watching vomit a little in their mouths. You make yourself so pathetic, it becomes impossible to hate you. You’re not a philandering bastard–you’re a fool in love. This is special. This is noble. But you’re going to sacrifice that to make things right. Heavy stuff, man. Next to your breakdown, your wife and her dignified stance becomes cold and cruel. Surely she pushed you to this, you poor, love-hungry sucker.
WARNING! You must have an absolutely spotless record to try this. And preferably have written some really mushy love letters to your mistress.
‘Fess up, swear it’s the last time, and let the victim of your bad behavior dictate what you need to do.
You work a lot. You work a lot with a lot of young hot things around you who respect what you do. You’re funny. And you’re kind of their boss. Hey! Next thing you know, you’re hooking up with them. It’s hot, it’s wild. You feel young again. And then! One of your playthings’ boyfriends gets a load of the sitch and threatens to go public unless you cough up some dough. Now what?
Call the police. No, wait. Call your attorney and then call the police (in that order. Always. Trust me). Tell your wife immediately. Promise these affairs are over and you will never do it again. Ask her what you can do to improve the situation. When she calls for a public apology to be made to her, nod and agree. And then do it, remembering to be as self-deprecating as humanly possible, but in a funny way. You may make mistakes, but you’ll take no pity. You’re a real man, after all. Even when you’re cowering to your wife’s every subsequent demand.
Comments
charles
November 12th, 2009 - 10:15:51 AM
gf: you're a jerk me: i know