5 Old Fashioned Contraceptive Methods That Were Crazy!

By Daniel Dominguez on November 11th, 2009

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History lesson: Contraception didn’t begin in the 1960s with the advent of condoms. Rather, human beings have been frustrated that pulling out didn’t work for centuries, and have, for just as long, been looking for ways not have to have kids. Condoms, the Nuva ring, the pill and other devices have come a long way to making contraception way less likely to brutally annihilate the pregnant woman, which is a plus, but they’ve also become a lot less rad and samurai warrior-initiation like. Here’s a couple of the more unusual kinds of ancient contraception.

1. Swallowing hot rocks

Chicks in tribes in Papa New Guinea used to heat up stones and swallow them to, I guess, melt the baby. This method was only sometimes effective as a birth control, but was incredibly effective as a way to get women to severely burn themselves from the inside.

2. Douche using soda

Back before the pill, women would take Coca-Cola and other fizzy drinks and douche with it to irritate the uterine walls so the egg wouldn’t stick to them. Even less effective than swallowing hot rocks, this method of birth control was abandoned when doctors noticed that it made the woman even more likely to stay pregnant, because it made the inside of their uterus taste delicious.

3. Putting a leather pouch filled a….

….a cat’s liver on the left foot during sexual intercourse to prevent pregnancy.

Ancient Roman women did this for a while, but they stopped when they realized that nothing about this method of birth control made any sense whatsoever no matter how much or from what angle you thought about it. Historians speculate that this gained popularity as a birth control method in Ancient Rome because Ancient Roman doctors had a pretty good sense of humor, and Ancient Roman women were unusually gullible when it came to believing pretty much any stupid shit that you would tell them.

4. Spitting three times into a frog’s mouth

This method is actually 100% effective.

5. Walking over the graves of your dead female ancestors

Women who try this method of birth control find it is only effective if, during the walk, you stop and have sex on top of the grave using an FDA approved contraceptive device. Or, equally effectively, if the ancestor is a zombie who loves to punch people who walk over her grave in the womb.