Every year it seems the variety of awful hairstyles grows by leaps and bounds, and we usually don’t realize it’s happened until it’s too late. A brother, a friend, sadly even we ourselves sometimes fall into the trap of the hair-fad. That being said, you don’t have to ever let it happen to you or any of your compatriots ever again. These 20 terrible, ridiculous hairstyles need to be laid to rest, and you can help. Some may be more noticeably ridiculous than others, but all are equally wrong.
The Robert Pattinson
Yes, yes, we believe you. You didn’t see Twilight because you wanted to, but because your girlfriend made you, right? It’s alright, your secret’s safe with us. Just bear in mind that Pattinson may be able to wear this ridiculous hairstyle, but it doesn’t mean that you can get away with it.
Bleached Jersey Spikes
You know you’ve seen these, and hopefully left whatever party you were at when it happened. The Bleached Jersey Spikes, also known as the Frosty Douchebag Spikes, are essential to any large gathering of douchebags. You simply cannot have a proper douchebag-party without these.
It started lame and earned it’s faux title, then it became ironic and got worn by everyone, which in turn morphed into it somehow being cool. Stop it. This was lame when it started, and nothing’s changed but the number of guys who think they look hard wearing it.
We’re not about to speak ill of the classic, but this is something that simply shouldn’t be done. It had it’s day, and it was done correctly, but it’s better left to the once in a lifetime photo-op usage that it’s been relegated to in the past. If you’re going to do this one, please, just do it for the picture and then shave your head. Maintain some dignity, if not for yourself, for your friends and loved ones.
What started out millennia ago as the simplest way to cut a boy’s hair, the Bowl Cut has somehow stuck around long enough now to become both lame and overdone. We’re surprised this hideous affliction still exists, but considering the rest of this list, it’s not such a surprise after all.
The Unnecessary Buzz Cut
This goes out to all the manly men who think they either want or need a Buzz Cut. Unless you’re being forced into it by a man with a campaign hat and very, very shiny combat boots, you’re just making yourself look like a baby monkey for no discernible reason. Stop it.
This was funny back in 1992, now it’s just sad. It’s ridiculous that we should ever see it happen in this day and age, but it does. If you see a guy with carved designs in his head, please, feel free to bust out a sharpie and try to find the right path. When he complains, just ask him what the hell he was thinking when he asked some guy to go tribal on his scalp. His answer will dictate whether or not you should continue the sharpie abuse on his face.
You know who you are. Do your really think this highly of yourself? You should know; every time you walk out of the house, no less than one million people want to punch you in the face. It’s a statistical fact.
Here we have the ubiquitous Emo Traditional. It’s black, with the appearance of unkempt tussle that upon closer inspection proves to be sculpted. It’s long enough to cover at least one eye. It must cover one eye. It’s often accompanied by black manscara, and a pouty face. You should not, under any circumstances, submit yourself to this hairstyle.
The Emo Colored is a remix of the Traditional, and it’s simply done. Take the base Traditional and add ridiculous color of your choice. Badly bleaching the hair may be a suitable alternative. Also, if you’re considering this style, you should punch yourself in the face. It’ll save someone else the trouble.
A close relative of the Emo Traditional, Scene Traditional takes the same idea to the extreme. Eyes may remain uncovered, but there must be an abundance of product. Hair must resemble Sonic the Hedgehog or any anime character of your choice. You must also have a willingness to be punched in the face.
The Peacock variant for Scene Traditional is a popular one among the throngs of scene kids who appreciate a good punch in the face. This one is particularly difficult to get right without help, so be sure to invite a friend. This variant is especially effective with one or both eyes covered, as it will accentuate the ridiculous peacock explosion of hair happening behind your head.
This look is surprisingly simple. You must not like girls hitting on you, because that will cease, and you must not like shampoo (or showers in general). These criteria being met, you will simply have to live your life normally, but with elevated PBR consumption. If you do all this, then you too can attain The Grease.
It’s nearly impossible to actually put to words how ridiculous this is. It’s not anything as flashy as a Mohawk or a Scene cut of any sort, and it’s nothing as hilarious as a Mullet, but it has the uncanny effect of making men want to punch the wearer in the face nonetheless. If you ever catch yourself behaving as Chad Rogers does in the video, you may want to consider stopping.
The Wisp Fairy
Known as the Lazy Scenester or Wannabe J-Pop, the Wisp Fairy is basically a failed attempt at either (or both) hairstyles. It’s a style completely devoid of any product, because it’s been fried into oblivion by every product. It’s been theorized to have the consistency of cotton candy, but since no wearer of this has ever successfully landed a girlfriend, no hand has ever touched a Wisp Fairy head of hair to verify this claim.
The Douchebag is aptly named, as any wearer of this style is the quintessential douchebag. The color is not nearly as important as the actual styling for this cut, but slow bleach-fade is preferable. The hair must be sculpted to “perfection” and remain in like fashion throughout the day. It must have the appearance of glued hair. It must be accompanied by douchebag behavior.
The Lego Man
This style is especially popular in the major cities, chiefly New York and Los Angeles. It’s high fashion, and as such is highly pretentious; the wearer must have a trust fund, or strongly desire the appearance of a man with absolutely no skills in any field. Any man wearing this cut is not allowed to drive any car but a BMW that has been purchased by his own mother.
This classic cut, the Trashbag, has been around since roughly 1972. It’s held its own for so long on the same merit that kept sleeveless T-shirts and mutton-chops in existence. There is no circumstance in which it is OK to wear this hairstyle, unless you appreciate time spent in your garage, alone, with your father’s old copies of Easy Rider magazine.
This cut was once called the Trent Reznor, but those days are long since over as Trent cleaned up. Since then, however, Harry Potter gave us Snape. What hasn’t changed though, is who wears this awful, greasy, matted down blanket of hair. To wear this style, you are not only admitting that you have no choice but to mimic what you see, but you must also agree to a life of celibacy.
The Flat-Top Mullet
In a recent resurgence of trendy irony, any and all manner of ridiculous Mullets have been spotted. Above them all in terms of sheer awesomeness is the Flat-Top Mullet. This hairstyle is so incomprehensible that it breaks common decency laws in all fifty states, as well as most of the E.U. Don’t let hipster-driven anti-fads push you into something as ridiculous as this.