Make Your Own Dildo… LIKE A CHAMPION

By Daniel Dominguez on November 6th, 2009

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Tommy Lee did it, Dr. Ruth did it, and to the best of my knowledge, Martin Luther King Jr. did it.*

You’ve probably said to yourself at one time or another, “Man, I’d love to plaster cast my dick and then give that as a gift to my girlfriend.” Well, now at Make Your Own Dildo, you can! I know the obvious use of a dildo is because it’s pretty rad to be able to pleasure your girlfriend when you’re all the way across town at work, “Jeremy, I’m totally gonna have sex with you right now!” / ”I know babe, and I’m not even there!” But the uses of a plaster version of your own dick, believe me, do not end just there. For instance:

1. You can use it to fight crime

All you have to do is, once you get your plaster cast dildo back, take it to a professional sword maker, and then have them insert a long sword blade into it. Then, criminals beware.

2. You can use it to place bids at an auction

You’ll be the belle of the auction ball when everyone else is using those little fans with the numbers on them and you’re holding up your own member.**

3. Place it on your food in the communal fridge

People are much more likely not to eat a leftover Tombstone pizza if there’s a giant dick on it then if there’s just some paltry note that says, “Please don’t touch my food.”

4. Stop annoying conversations on the bus

When someone on the bus tries to talk to you about what you’re reading, or what you’re listening to on your iPod, cease the conversation immediately by staring them in the eye, slowly pulling back your coat, and revealing that you have your plaster cast penis on your chest, and it’s pointed at them. Either, they will stop talking, or, you will have the best conversation of your life.

5. Hollow it out and…

…use it to hide secret film rolls with pictures of foreign diplomats in compromising positions that you took for the government. If you’re working for the CIA, chances are you take compromising pictures of foreign dignitaries, and what better way to smuggle that undeveloped film across the border than in the hollowed out cavity of a replica of your own penis?

* That is, he fought for civil rights through an ideology of non-violence as a form of social protest.

** Or you’ll be arrested.