How To Use A Baby

Babies. We were all one of them at one point. It’s true. Look it up. It’s total fucking science.

Now, you may not know this, but you can actually USE a baby for lots of different reasons. An easy one would be to place the baby on the sinkhole in the tub in lieu of a stopper, as so your precious bathwater would not go to waste. This is where the phrase “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” comes from.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of different ways to use a baby that people don’t tell you about. Here’s just a few of my favorites:

• Door stop.
• Beanbag footstool. I’ve always wanted, when sitting on a beanbag, to have a footstool. As it seems, a baby does just fine.
• Hermann Göring stand in during re-enactment of the Nuremberg Trials.
• Target practice for ninja throwing stars.
• Secondary dog chew toy. You’ll find that although no baby has a “squeaker”, they will still make noise when chewed.
• A “Norm” from Cheers stand in. Just place baby on bar stool next to you and tell it about your day. Then have lots of drinks with aforementioned baby.
• Blame. You can blame anything and everything on the baby, from a fart to the unraveling of your marriage.

Check back to Manolith soon, we’ll continue bringing you more ways to use a baby.