Chris Brown Ain’t Coming Back, Son

By Mark Lorenz on November 4th, 2009

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That’s what I’d tell my child, if I had one, and he listened to terrible pop music. And was concerned about Chris Brown’s career prospects. Because right now, son, they ain’t looking too well.

Reports have come back on how Chris Brown’s tour has been selling across the country. As common knowledge goes, Chris Brown used to be really popular, but he was dumb enough to think he could beat up an international star that gets photographed a lot. And subsequently lost a lot of that popularity. He used to sell out 20,000 seat venues, and now? The only venue that sold out incredibly quickly? Atlanta.

Which is bad because he’s just trying to fill 2,000 seat venues now. And he’s struggling to do that. Oh, that sucks. You can’t auto-tune ticket sales. Pro-tools can’t help you after you done hit a lady. Neither does sampling themes from summer blockbusters. Unless you’re Ludacris, and the song is “Number One Spot”.

Chrissy tried to make it an easy sell by donating the proceeds to Best Buddies International, a group that provides employment and leadership opportunities for people with developmental disabilities, and to the Jenesse Center, which supports victims of domestic violence. Clever. It’s like every time you buy a Chris Brown ticket, God saves a kitten. But nobody wants to save kittens, because then they’d have to listen to Chris Brown.