Really, are you surprised? You shouldn’t be. For months, we’ve been beset by the American Idol hype machine, telling us their contestants are unbelievable, super-human singers, capable of re-shaping the slowly collapsing music industry into a beautiful butterfly. And injured orphans into diamonds. Adam Lambert being the front-runner.
American Idol‘s been promoting the hell out of itself. They always have, but ratings have been slipping, so like “Gossip Girl”, they’ve been amping up advertisements and ratings ploys. Lambert is their latest pet project. He leaked his first single on Ryan Seacrest’s morning show. Features? A George Michael-like melody, with lyrics by a 13-year-old boy, whose eyes have been taped open and been forced to digest every cliché of the last 30 years. Which would be good, if this were 1983, currently. Also, he says baby about 80 times. And makes comparisons with being entertained to being tied down and sexed, but the song doesn’t sound like you’re gonna be tied down and sexed, it sounds like you’re going to be mildly annoyed by a wood nymph who won’t stop touching you with feathers.
Baby, it was as painful listening to those words as it was writing this out. Also, baby, it sounds pretty melodically bland. No surprising parts, nothing that really jumps out at you. No insanely catchy parts. It’s a meh sort of song put through 32-layers of processing. Any real emotion that could leak through was DOA from swallowing glitter and ProTools. Baby. Like pretty much everything else on the radio.
Baby, I must take back something I said before, though, that Time For Miracles was boring. Time For Miracles was Mahler’s First Symphony compared to this. If this is the sort of entertainment we can be expecting, I will be investing in implements that can make me temporarily deaf. Aaaaaaannnnnd, cue fangirl rage.