10 Halloween Costumes for the Broke and Lazy

By Juan Aguilar on October 30th, 2009

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Ok, so there’s a kick ass Halloween party down the street and everyone was invited … except you. It’s just as well, since you’ve been thinking how awesome it would be to dress up like Wolverine or Altair from Assassin’s Creed, but don’t quite have the bod to back it up. Or the cash to buy the materials. Or the energy to turn them into a bitchin’ costume.

On the other hand, it’s Halloween. You can be a shiftless do-nothing the other 364 days of the year; today, you can be a party-crashin’, hottie-mackin’ Pimpbot 5000 if you so wish. Don’t wait for an invite, just throw together these low-energy, low-budget costumes and get thee to a party.

1. Ghost of a Roman citizen

Lots of people have used sheets as their Halloween costumes, either to go as ghosts or as toga-clad Romans. But think about it: all the Romans are dead. Just layer one sheet on top of the other to form the thinking man’s costume.

2. Adult Baby

Strip down to your tighty whiteys, slap on a bib from the local lobster joint, and hit the town. This is one of the few costumes where your obesity works in your favor. If you are able, find a large rubber nipple and attach it to your beer can for bonus points.

3. Tenacious D member

Dude, I know you own at least one Guitar Hero or Rock Band controller. Strap that badboy to your back, whip off your shirt, and tell them you are one of the members of Tenacious D (pick according to how much hair you have).

4. Michael Phelps

Again this involves stripping down to your skivvies, but it might help if you have a swimmers cap and goggles handy. If you add a bong as your third accessory people will gravitate toward you whether they understand your costume or not.

5. Santa Claus

Look, it’s a fucking costume, okay? Just because it’s used on different a holiday doesn’t mean it can’t double as a Halloween costume too. Besides, these are tough times, and your party hosts may even admire your frugality.

6. Hurley from Lost

This one is easy. Just get a wig (a mop might do in a pinch) and rub dirt all over your clothes and face. If you’re fat, unkempt or slovenly, part of the work is already done.

7. Authentic zombie

I know what you’re thinking… this could involve some careful application of fake blood and injuries, which could cost a lot of money if you want it to look real. But you know what looks more real than the best fake blood and wounds? Real blood and wounds. Simply kick your own ass a la Fight Club then ease the pain with some of your roommate’s expired Vicodin. You’ll be shambling around and moaning with the best of them.

8. A Spartan from 300

This is probably the most expensive and tedious costume on the list. You’ll need a pair of sandals, a red sheet to use as a cape, and a black Sharpie to draw six pack abs on your bountiful kegger of a belly. Use a pot lid as your shield and yell absolutely everything you say.

9. Mexican wrestler

Yet again, your BVDs and excessive girth will make up the majority of this costume. Strip down to your shorts, strap on a pair of boots, take another pair of undies and use them as a mask, then tell everyone you are “El Skidmarko.”

10. The sampler

Look around your apartment/house/mother’s basement that doubles as your bedroom: You are sure to find at least one hat, maybe some rain boots, possibly a greasy bathrobe, and if you’re really lucky, some sort of gorilla mask. Just throw them all together and tell everyone you’re the monster from an upcoming movie (and don’t forget to tell them Sam Raimi is attached to direct). Don’t worry, about an hour into your party everyone will be too shitfaced to know the difference.