7 Reasons To Have Sex With Republican Women

It’s common knowledge that extremist Republicans are ruining and dividing the country, yet there is nothing better than banging a right wing woman. Nothing. Not even “pot butter” or “Daft Punk remixing The Beatles covering Danzig”. Not even ‘bulldog on a skateboard’. Nope. If you’ve ever had sex with a right-leaning, progressive-thinking hating woman, you can surely attest to having the best sex in the world. Ever. Here’s a list of reasons.

1. Due to her imminent hatred of affordable health care, she will be as pure as the driven snow due to the fear of any sort of malady. This is important, because unless you’re Anne “Fisty Shake” Coulter, right wing women have never so much showered in the nude. They fear it more than life itself, that whole “being free” sort of thing. They hate freedom, and that is why they want to take away the very basic human right of being naked AT ANY TIME.
2. Fox News Channel watchers are proven to being easily led, like sheep, or American Idol viewers. This means that you will have a veritable Willy Wonka playground of poonani. Do you want to try the sexual positions that you’d only dreamed about, such as:
   * Mongolian Beaver Hat
   * The Horatio Alger
   * Chase The Cat
   Well, now you can. Because no sooner than you can say “Tea Bagging” can you get her to do unusual sexual positions.
3. The best Christmas presents are the ones tightly wrapped. You can take that many different ways, such as the fact that Republican woman are LITERALLY wrapped in paper and put in a cardboard box with no breathing holes OR you could take it metaphorically, in the way that they are so bundled up in LL Bean mock-turtlenecks and Seinfeld-era jeans, that underneath it all they’re all 10’s. No joke. Nobody has even considered this. Nobody has considered this because nobody thinks outside the box. Literally. The box. (they call that a ‘callback’ in comedy, folks).
4. They are relentless. As in: they will not stop fucking you until they have taken your lifeforce they climax. And when they climax, an eagle will appear at the window and sing ‘God Bless America’ in the voice of James Earl Jones.
5. Think about it: Sarah Palin naked. You’d do it. I’d do it. We’d all do it.
6. Every time a Liberal winds up having sex with a Republican, Bill O’Reilly loses an eyebrow hair. If we keep it up, he will have no eyebrows, and thus he will not be able to show indignation, resentment, hypocrisy, or any other one of the emotionally blackmailing faces that he does on his show to make the viewer think that Republicans actually care about them. Basically, if we keep fucking Republicans, there’ll be no Bill O’Reilly within a month. And that would make a better world.
7. They will lie and cheat their way into whatever they want. And to be honest, that’s kind of hot. It’s nice to see someone make an effort once in a while, even if it is things like ‘destroying your civil liberties’ and ‘taking your freedoms away’.