The Vampire Fleshlight
Good news, hornballs. You know of the Fleshlight. The implement that’s like a little vagina you can keep under your bed and also use as a flashlight, in a patent surely conceived of by a serial killer. Did you think that was bad? You think that’s naughty? I bet you do. Only it’s not, really. Because for Halloween, they made one shaped like a vampire’s mouth.
I-Vant-To-Eat-Your-Wenitals. Yes, in what surely would be the most painful and uncomfortable encounter in history, now you can pretend like you’re mouthhumping a vampire. Just like Van Helsing did when no-one was watching. What’s the implement called? The Succudry. You get it? Like a demon, who touches your penis, instead of sitting on your chest to give you nightmares.
Jesus christ, I understand vampires are big right now. They’re milking vampires dry for money like some sort of milk vampire who needs milk and money to live, but this is the last straw. Think of the children. How many hapless children are going to go around searching for vampires to put their genitals on? How many? How many gay men will staple this to a poster and have sexy times with Robert Pattinson’s head?
Come to think of it, if anyone does, and gets a picture of it, I will give you money.
umm … how, exactly, do one of these ’succudry’ devices work? i mean, do you just stick it in there and wiggle a little bit? oh okay, i’m not really wondering how you use it … but is it lubricated or what?
I’m assuming you lubricate it and place your penis inside of it, then image you’re not having sex with an implement that can be stored under your bed, and gyrate.