The 5 Least Hot Newswomen In America

By Daniel Dominguez on October 27, 2009

Newswomen are often picked to become network anchors, weather girls, and correspondents by TV networks by using a specific set of predefined criteria. They are listed below from most important to least important:

1. Looks
2. Hotness.
3. Breast Size.
4. Breast Shape.
5. Breast Smell.
6-150. General Boner-worthiness.
151. Intellect and Ability.

However, not all networks are equal, and some networks simply cannot afford to scoop up and employ the more boner-worthy female news correspondents. Fortunately though, the Manolith Team recently did a fine job presenting the hottest Newswomen so you can go to the channels they are on and turn the volume on mute and stare at them all you want. It is equally important, though, to warn you what networks to actively avoid as well, so you don’t accidentally run across the 5 LEAST HOT NEWSWOMEN IN AMERICA.

1. COUNTESS CHERYL

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Countess Cheryl is a correspondent for Channel 15 Local News in Bender’s Mill, Louisiana. Countess Cheryl received dual degrees in broadcasting from both Princeton and Harvard, schools that she attended simultaneously, despite that they are located across the country from one another. She was so dedicated to getting the best learning however, that she would fly from Boston to wherever Princeton is located three times a week to take classes at both institutions. Upon graduating with degrees from both colleges, she managed to prove herself a thoughtful, unbiased, and brilliant reporter. Unfortunately, she looks like a 300-year-old dude, so she couldn’t get a job anywhere. Eventually she was hired by Channel 15 out of pity, and is allowed to sometimes do reports for them, provided she completes her primary job of living alone in the basement of their news building, and only coming out to feed at night.

2. HELEN SNOPE

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Helen is not the ugliest News woman on the list. She is very plain though, and according to the Bill of Rights (yes there is a section in the Bill of Rights on hiring female news anchors) she is legally required to wear a picture of Mila Kunis stapled to the lapels of her dress, so at least something hot is on screen while she’s blathering on about Barack Obama, or global warming, or whatever.

3. PEACH TREVORMORE

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Peach was born tens of thousands of years ago to an agrarian fishing community. However, when she and her brother found the One Ring at the bottom of a river they were fishing in, she killed her brother for the ring, then eventually found her way to a cave, because the power of the ring made her mistrust those around her, and she could only take comfort from then on in the lonely echoing darkness of the cave. Sometime later a hobbit came by and screwed everything up, and she was forced to go on a grand adventure wherein her “precious”, the one ring, was destroyed and all was made right with the world. Having nothing to do after that, she decided to go into broadcast journalism. She can now be spotted doing local crime reports on channel 48 in Dayton, Ohio, where she does a fine job reporting on crime in the area. The only complaints local viewers have is that she isn’t very good looking, and that sometimes she’ll tear apart a live fish in the middle of a report.

4. CARRIE ANNE RAMOS

Carrie-Anne-Ramos

Carrie Annie is the only Rastafarian on our list of unattractive female anchors. She made the list because she is obviously incredibly ugly. There are rumors going around that she is actually a small dog in a wig, but Carrie Anne Ramos has repeatedly defended herself against those rumors. Usually by barking erratically, urinating, and then hiding behind a bunch of pillows.

5. LISA “FEMALE” JENKINS

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Lisa “Female” Jenkins is a pregnant wolf spider that spun a giant web above Keith Olberman’s desk at MSNBC, with the intent of one day cocooning and consuming Mr. Olberman. But watching Keith Olberman deliver the news each week, while slowly gaining strength and saving up web juice to cocoon him with, she got a taste for journalism. So, instead of eating Keith Olberman, she decided to attend the NYU school of journalism. Once she completed her degree, having cocooned and drained the blood of less than 14% of the faculty and staff (a personal best), she returned to MSNBC where, depending on who you ask, Mr. Olberman either immediately recognized her talent and hired her on the spot, or was terrified of her giant gnashing spider fangs and offered her a job in exchange for his life. Either way, no one can deny, she is awesome at being a reporter, but not great looking, even for a giant wolf spider.