THIS WEEK IN METAL DEATHS: Amelia Earhart Eaten By Crabs?

This weekend, Amelia, the biopic of Amelia Earhart opened in theaters nationwide. And I will not be seeing it, because there are only a few good movies out right now, and Amelia does not look like one of them. Also, biopics tend to be boring. You always know the endings. But in a surprise twist, Amelia Earhart might’ve been eaten by crabs.

And not the sexual kind. We’re not going to speculate on Amelia Earhart’s sexuality like some people do, simply because she had short hair. No, the most terrifying crabs in the world. The crabs that look the most alien out of any crab you could possibly pluck from the depths of the ocean. The coconut crab.

The coconut crab is named for their huge claws, which actually have the required strength to cut a coconut in half. Just by squeezing. In addition, and my favorite feature of any animal, short of Queen Bees saving sperm for years on end, they have a predilection for stealing shiny objects from houses. Like pots, silverware, and jewelry. Only, it’s a crab. And the most terrifying looking crab of all time. That has been known to feed on injured and unconscious people. The International Group for Historic Aircraft Recovery says, through research, and data, Amelia, her co-pilot, and plane, probably landed on Gardner Island, now Nikumaror. And also…

“If Amelia died on Nikumaroro, her body was eaten by crabs. That’s pretty much a given.”

Here’s saluting you, Amelia Earhart. Groundbreaking pilot. American legend. Totally metal.