You kind of have to wonder what drugs the person was on who first thought up the idea to take a bear from the wild, try to domesticate it, then slap a pair of ice skates on it and make it skate around for a paying audience. But apparently bears on ice, playing hockey or riding motorcycles is a national past time in Russia. It’s also a great way to get you killed, like circus hand Dmitry Potapov found out this week when he was mauled to death by a 5-year-old bear who likely took exception to being strapped to figure skates instead of more masculine hockey skates.
It’s not like it’s news that bears will kill and eat you, no matter how cute you tell them they are and shower them with baby-talk. Just ask Timothy “Grizzly Man” Treadwell, or the 100+ other people who have been mauled to death in North America alone over the last century. Shit, the audio of Treadwell’s attack was recorded and Werner Herzog — who wasn’t bothered enough to stop an interview when he was shot by a sniper — thought it was so terrifying he told the owner of the tape, “You muhzt never lizten to zis. You zhould not keep it. You zhould deztroy it.” But apparently the Russians didn’t get that memo.
Let’s review: A lone bear in the wild? Ornery and will kill and eat you. Try to hug a cute bear cub in the wild? The mother will kill you and feed you to the cub. Take a bear from the wild, strap on some skates and give it a hockey stick? It will play along for a while, then get super pissed and beat you to death with the stick. And then eat you.