It happens to the best of us, dear readers. Sometimes, out of nowhere, you get unfairly fired. But all hope is not lost! Here’s a handy dandy list of what you can do to pull a Partridge Family and c’mon-get-happy.
1. Pull yourself together. LITERALLY. As in: hug yourself. That’s right. Don’t be afraid. Are you afraid? Then you probably shouldn’t be around yourself.
2.Do not be afraid to expose your inner child. Although, it should be said that exposing your child to anyone else could be considered indecent exposure.
3. Don’t listen to Coldplay. No really, don’t listen to them. That should be a given. Just: don’t. Remember that ‘Civil War’ bullshit they did? I mean, ‘Vida La Vida’ wasn’t that bad of a song, but then they had to go all Gettysburg Address on us. Wha da fuh.
4. Now that you aren’t listening to Coldplay, be sure to buy a jaunty hat. This will make everything better. Look at Peter Pan, Batman, and Liberace. They were all very happy with themselves and very secure in who they were.
5. Take up a hobby.
Do not take up the hobby of ‘Driving Around At Night Listening To Philip Glass With Your Headlights Off’.
Do not take up the hobby of ‘Trenchcoat Parking Guy With Hook’.
Do take up the hobby of ‘Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Official Breast Wrangler.
Do take up the hobby of ‘Professional Sandwich Eater’.
6. Nobody likes a sad person. Force yourself to smile, even if this means sticking two fingers in your mouth and pulling your lips into a smiling position. This will show that you are making EFFORT. People like EFFORT.
7. People also like people that CAPITALIZE. This would explain the popularity of Kanye West.
8. Eat bread right before you go to sleep. This will ensure that come Winter, when you still don’t have a job, you shall be snug in your own fat – like a Walrus or Manatee. Observe the Manatee. This shall be you.
9. Resume? Schmesume. If people want a resume, just tell them everything you want them to know on a Denny’s placemat drawn with a crayon. Be sure to color outside the lines, as this will show the future employee you think outside the box, literally and figuratively.
10. Nobody likes a quitter, so develop dependencies to both Heroin and Nicotine. Also: the television drama ‘House’.
11. Listen to the song ‘Goodbye Horses’ with your genitals tucked inbetween your legs and dance infront of the mirror. Ah, you got the movie reference? Well this will be you in a matter of DAYS unless you find a job.
12. Ask everywhere for a job. Ask down potholes, sewer grates, inside trash cans, and piles of waste. This is because the Ninja Turtles, Oscar The Grouch, and The Fraggles are all expert job hunters and will be able to assist you.
13. When you get a job interview, make sure that you dress the part. The part will be: Hamlet.
14. Be sure to offer a strong handshake to your future employer.
15. Be sure to tell your future employer that you have studied under both Alfred Kinsey and John Wayne Gacy. This will impress him.
16. Be sure to have a flower that squirts water in your lapel pocket. It will make you seem classy and refined.
17. And finally, if all is lost, you can always go back to your old work and pretend you still work there. They won’t mind. Nor will the guy with your old desk, because when you got fired you had the wherewithall to put a tuna sandwich in there, taped the the bottom, so he will never find it. You are a cunning wizard.
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