Here at Manolith, we are pampered by roughly 73 (one better, y’all) virgins on a daily basis. It’s a wonderful life, enjoying it in sunny Los Angeles in the lap of luxury. It is not unusual to see bikini clad women walk around the desks feeding us grapes and champagne, all the while telling us Mel Brooks movie quotes. It’s a sweet life, if you can get it. But recently, I grew tired of this lifestyle and ventured far, far away to see what else there was in the world. I grew tired of these luxuries and decided to live off of the land. I found: the Freegan Lifestyle.
It is not, as you might think, a dyslexic homage to renowned character and voiceover actor Morgan Freeman. It is infact a way of LIFE. This way of life is dedicated to:
- Dumpster Diving. Should you want a bagel, Monsieur? Then go to the dumpster outside a bagel shop after closing, and you will find perfectly good 8 hour old bagels JUST SITTING THERE LIKE IT AINT NO THANG.
- Barter. Gosh, does that guy’s bike need fixing. Boy, do you need an In-N-Out burger. Hey! Why don’t you fix his bike for $5.01, the exact price of a #1 with whole grilled onions and a milkshake plus CA State tax?
- Beg. There is nothing wrong with saying “hey buddy, howzabouta loaf of bread”.
- Forage for wild food, such as berries, nuts, and other things that grow. This also means that should you perhaps find a field of marijuana you can take that, too, because you are one lucky bastard and will be able to afford like A GAZILLION day old bagels now.
- Curb Shop. This means you can take whatever is laying on the curb. Do you know how the ‘Mattress King’ guy you see on TV became the Mattress King? He started out just like you and me, on the streets. Getting alllll the mattresses. Yup. Thats how the world works.
- Become a Meegan. A Meegan someone that eats meat that would otherwise go to waste. Like Slim Jims, and beef jerky. Sounds good to me, amiright?
- Become a Heegan. Actually I just made that one up, because the word sounds funny. Tee hee! Adding ‘eegan’ to anything sounds funny.
Ok, back to the serious stuff. You are NOT HOMELESS. You are simply “free of the contraints of a normal Capitalist job”. Don’t get a job because ‘The Man’ wants you to! You’re a rebel, Dottie. A loner. You live on the edge and live only for yourself, like a badass outlaw or cowboy except you’re broke as fuck and drinking labeless beer behind a grocery store.
But man, what a way to live. Free. You answer to nobody. You are your own master. You are your own God. You are you’re own landlord, ex girlfriend, Uncle With A Mustache And a Creepy Smile, and your own best friend, all rolled into one. You are: A Freegan.
For more, check out this from Oprah, or this from The New York Times Newspaper. It’s a wonderful way of life.
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