Body By Calvin Klein: Lies, All Lies!

By Akela Talamasca on October 15th, 2009

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I love the post-modern age we live in! It allows us to justify just about anything we’d normally shrink from in disgust, all in the name of Irony. Case in point: it used to be that if someone accused us of stuffing our pants to simulate a larger schwantz, we’d raise a ruckus and viciously deny it. These days, it’s just a matter of heading to your local Calvin Klein retailer.

Yes, good ol’ CK has brought the world a new line designed to answer the immortal question “Where’s the beef?” ‘Body by Calvin Klein’ features a padded crotch with artfully placed creases that focus the eye right on the strike zone. “An enhanced profile” is the tagline for these jeans, and enhanced is definitely the word. And while this may provide some transient gratification, I can’t help but imagine the scene when the man drops trou and displays his shortcomings.

See, even if a woman walks around with a padded bra, even if a guy is fooled by the apparent size of her breasts, once the bra comes off, there isn’t a man alive who would go “What? I’ve been fooled! I’m not playing with these! Get my lawyer!” Instead, there might be a split second of registration, but that would be smothered by the sounds of the man going OM NOM NOM NOM. Face it: all breasts are good, no matter what their size. But if you’re claiming a V8 under the hood only to reveal a hamster on a treadmill instead, there will be disappointment. Some things you just can’t fake, guys, so don’t even try.

Having said that, even at $79.50, these things will probably sell. Why? ‘Cause people are stupid. And that’s one to grow on.