Dear God, There’s a UFO in Moscow That Will Kill Us All

They say it’s a cloud formation, but clearly CLOUDS won’t kill us all. And they’ve never seen Independence Day. Oh, god, my heart is palpitating. Somebody breathe into my mouth, gently.

There’s a giant ring in the sky over Moscow, like Zeus is about to crown us his bride and kill us with his electricity or moon people. Scientists in Moscow say it’s just an optical illusion, or a weather disturbance, but that sounds like something from a James Bond movie, Moscow scientists lying about UFO’s they just found, so they can harness them for power. Oh god, my pulse is dropping. This is what they had to say.

“Several fronts have been passing through Moscow recently, there was an intrusion of the Arctic air too, the sun was shining from the west – this is how the effect was produced.”

That sounds like insanity, doesn’t it? Air doesn’t make clouds like this. This is clearly retribution from the moon people for NASA bombing them last week. I wish I had a shelter to hide in, but this is Los Angeles, and I don’t know where to buy one. Do they sell them at Kitson? Oh, god, my lungs hurt.