Hollywood is pretty much out of ideas. They’ve always been scraping the barrel, but you can’t be surprised that they’re raiding your childhood closet, can you? You can’t be surprised they’re laying your childhood out and strapping his eyes open like in Clockwork Orange, can you? You won’t be surprised that this exposition will get weirder and weirder, will you? You better not be. Stay with me. We’re going for a ride.
Hey, plenty of Barbie movies have been made already, right? Plenty of pink loving blonde-haired girls have been encouraged throughout the years, amirite? Yeah, only this time, it’ll be on the big screen. Instead of straight-to-video, in the bin with the live-action equivalent, the Olsen Twins. Look for Megan Fox to star.
Vacations for poor families. Where they bought you cartridges of places you’d never visit so you could look through them and cry. They’re creating three acts of exposition based off of you looking through cheap binoculars and clicking. Are you happy now, you soulless prick? Officially at IMDBPro, it’s listed as The View-master project. So let’s speculate on the plot. Somebody’s View-master has been dusted with fairy magic, and they have to go to the places they click to stop an impending terrorist attack. Or somebody else has an evil View-master, so after learning to love they’ll beat the crap out of each other on top of Stonehenge.
Max Steel, contrary to what you’re thinking, is not just a male stripper. He’s also a line of toys by Mattel. Invented circa-1999, Max Steel is a 19-year old adrenaline junkie recruited by a secret agency after his body is infected with Nanoids. The toy line was followed by an animated series, which ran for two years. The most interesting thing about this story is that Max Steel is the most popular action figure in Latin America. Make your own jokes. Here’s mine. In Latin America, even the actions figures get infected. Mattel VP Barry Waldo (the hits keep coming) said, “We have a strong Latin consumer we’re going to keep happy while broadening the franchise for the rest of the world.” Yes, strong Latin consumers. Think theaters–filled with luchadores.
Apparently movies like Das Boot or Hunt for the Red October or Crimson Tide weren’t kid friendly. Apparently. Stephen Colbert already did a segment on how ridiculous this was, with Jeff Goldblum. If Jeff Goldblum thinks you’re ridiculous, I have nothing else to offer you. Prepare yourself. For two hours of yelling coordinates that double as vitamins.
Stretch Armstrong is a man whose body parts are stretched by people in the 4-12 demographic, created by Hasbro. Normally movies about kids stretching the bodies of grown men would be seized in police raids, but Brian Grazer is producing it. So anything can happen. Grazer said, “(Stretch is) an unconventional kind of superhero with a power that no one would want. It’s a story about a guy stretching, if you will, the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be.” From his press release, we can only assume Stretch Armstrong will join the army. Where he will use his powers to disarm bombs and cock slap his superiors from a distance. And his ego will write checks that his stretchy body will wave around, all crazy-like.
Two hours of Monopoly in real-life is almost unbearable, why don’t we dramatize it and throw it on the big screen? Maybe it’ll be a fighting movie where little pewter pieces gather in Thailand to kick each other, but chances are it won’t. Because it’s being directed by RIDLEY SCOTT. Yeah. The dude that did Alien. We can only hope that Rich Uncle Pennybanks will burst out of people’s chests. That’s the only way I’m paying to see it. Or there’s a pandemic all across the earth where people spontaneously grow handle-bar mustaches and hate the poor.
Now this is better. Ouija boards are dark and mysterious, and have been used effectively in horror films before, like the Exorcist. With the right sort of people at this pro…what? Michael Bay is producing? Oh, Hollywood. You dried-up coot.
Hasbro makes movies about transforming vans. Candy Land is what you’d except a grown man to name his transforming van. It’s also a game about candy that requires no reading and minimal counting skills. So if you liked Transformers II, you’re their target demo. Gloppy the Chocolate Monster is coming for you. I for one, cannot wait to see Queen Frostine on the big screen. That sound you heard was Doctor Suess rising from the dead to strangle me. They’re actually making a movie about a board game that is so boring, it has no dice. GET READY FOR ACTION.
And finally, we come to Clue. Never mind that the first one was actually a semi-decent comedy with one of my most favorite pervy-looking actors of all time, Tim Curry, we need to make a revamped Clue. This ain’t your daddy’s clue. And he’d know, because only people your daddy’s age play Clue. And who’s directing this tale of upper-class intrigue? Gore Verbinski.
I really hope this’ll be two hours of a man trying to find a piece, then finding it when he doesn’t need it. Then stepping on a piece that he doesn’t want, and being sent to the hospital for contusions on his feet. Those were basically my childhood experiences. Also, I played with Legos.
Good luck, Hollywood. We’ll be voting with our wallets.