Miley Cyrus has Quit Twitter!

By Daniel Dominguez on October 9th, 2009

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Sure, Miley Cyrus is happy to have one less thing to do, but you know who’s not happy? Billy Ray Cyrus. Ever since Billy Ray lost his fame almost immediately after releasing the only song he wrote that anyone liked, he has been angry. Angry at the public for not liking him more. Angry at himself for being unlikeable. Angry at Satan, for having promised him fame in exchange for his soul, but then tricking him, “Ahhh, but Billy…” Satan hissed, licking his lips with his forked tongue, “Billy Willy Willy…. I promised you fame… but I never promised you for how long! AHAHAHAH!….I’m evil.” Then vanishing in a puff of fire and smoke.

So then Billy Ray Cyrus went down into his secret labratory deep under the 7/11 where we had to get a job to support himself and fiddled with his sperm’s DNA until he created a sperm he was sure had all the characteristics of someone Disney would want to hire to sing things. Then he carefully inserted that sperm into a Rose that wilted when love faded, and bloomed when love grew strong, and thus was born Miley Cyrus. Or as she is known online “Pedo-Candy“.

Half-Girl, Half-Product, Miley Cyrus went about the business of making her father famous by proxy. Now Billy Ray Cyrus’ worst nightmares have come true. At the height of Miley Cyrus’ (He was going to name her Miley Ray Cyrus, but that would have been too on the nose) fame, she decided she’d had enough of Twitter.

So Billy Ray did the only thing he could possibly do as a father, he Tweeted to Miley. “can’t leave everyone now”. And for extra fatherly emphasis, he tweeted her again, “we r countin on u.” Yes Billy Ray, yes, we are all “countin’” on Miley Ray Cyrus, for meaning, for hope, to challenge stereotypes, and break boundaries.

Sure Miley Cyrus promised to close Guantanamo Bay during the first year of her Administration, and sure Miley is taking longer getting out of Iraq than any of us expected, but her Cash for Clunkers program has been a bigger success than anyone expected.

Miley’s fans need her on Twitter, if they don’t have her on Twitter all they have is her facebook page, her constant touring, her show, her talk show appearances, her myspace page, the speculation on various web pages, her blog, her official and unofficial fan sites.

I recently took a look at the numbers on her unofficial fan page and the break down of viewers is this:

18%: 13 Year old Girls

52%: Sexual Predators

28%: Billy Ray Cyrus

1%: Sexually Predatory Lenders

1%: People accidentally surfing to the page when they were trying to find pictures of the rare desert tree the Mile-High Cyprus

If I were Billy Ray Cyrus, I wouldn’t go through the trouble of trying to get Miley Ray Cyrus to Twitter, I would go back to the drawing board and create another offspring that’s specifically designed to do the twittering for Miley. In fact, I would produce a child for every web presence necessary for modern self-promotion. I would turn one of my many bedrooms into a sweatshop, and I would chain them to desks in front of first rate Imacs and have them do Miley’s online chores. And I would make them allergic to sunlight so they couldn’t escape. Make it easy on yourself, Billy Ray Cyrus.

(Photo By: Cyber Goof)