What to Expect if Either Michael Cera or Jessie Eisenberg is Your Boyfriend

By Daniel Dominguez on October 6th, 2009

• Share
• Link to StumbleUpon
• 4 Comments

Michael Cera and Jessie Eisenberg have, with their powers combined, completely cornered the market on being charmingly ineffective males. Their ability to not look you in the eyes while saying something self-effacing, look small when wearing a sweater, get beat up by a jock while saying something self-effacing, or get caught masturbating in your bedroom without you there while saying something self-effacing is without parallel.  It used to be that being unable to talk to women or handle casual conversation was looked down upon, scorned, mocked. Now not being able to talk to women means you have indie street cred.  And street cred means pussy.  However, ladies, it is important that you be prepared. Because being the girlfriend of either Michael Cera of Jessie Eisenberg comes with certain conditions. So, as a favor to the ladies, so that they can make an informed choice, here now are the TOP 10 THINGS TO EXPECT IF EITHER MICHAEL CERA OR JESSIE EISENBERG IS YOUR BOYFRIEND.

1. Sentimental Mix Tapes

If and when you go out with either Michael Cera or Jessie Eisenberg, expect to be consistently inundated with home made CDs of mp3s he heard that reminded him of you.  “I don’t know, something about Sting’s Every Little Thing She Does is Magic just made me think about how you’re like… magic… you know?”

2. Whimsy. Unspeakable levels of Whimsy

Webster’s dictionary defines whimsy as
A) an odd or fanciful idea; a whim
B) Watching David the Gnome get into a pollen fight with a Velveteen Rabbit
C) Michael Cera or Jessie Eisenberg

Chances are if you go on a date with either of them to a restaurant, they will probably wear a foppish Newsies style hat, and have their charming Asian friend Dax play a Cure song on a violin for you while you eat.

3. Spur of the Moment decisions to hang out alone in places…

…that end up making you both uncomfortable

He thought it would be charming for you to eat a bunch of pot brownies and hang out in an abandoned library, but it’s not charming. It’s scary. And because Michael Cera / Jessie Eisenberg are so pale, gawky, and hollow-eyed, whenever a flashlight hits them they tend to look exactly like the undead Japanese schoolgirl from The Ring.

4. To wake up in the middle of the night…

..on a hot night, and notice that the clay he’s used to make his adam’s apple look bigger has melted off in his sleep.

Numerous clinical tests have proven time and again that if Michael Cera or Jessie Eisenberg had an adam’s apple it would be too much for their rail-thin frames, and they would simply fall forward every time they swallowed.  To make up for this, both of them employ an inexpensive putty that looks real but gets all over everything, including you.

5. Pleasant, yet unobtrusive semen.

This is mostly because their diets consist exclusively of tofu, potpourri, and the comforting sound Joanna Newsom makes when she’s dreaming. And their exercise routines consistent entirely of waking up to catch the sunrise, writing about waking up to catch the sunrise, and sheepish-grin practice.

6. To come home to find him smelling your lipstick…

…and for him not to be able to come up with an adequate explanation as to why.

Also, if you come home and he’s eating a pie he baked with all your used underwear in it, break up with him.

7. Kids in the neighborhood disappearing

This could be a coincidence. But it isn’t.

8. Poetry written by him in on things you own…

…that he thinks is romantic, but which is actually frustrating.

You’ve come home from a long, hard day at the office and Michael/Jessie has scrawled Bright Eyes lyrics all over your brand new flat screen TV because “Your love is even more powerful than the media.” Fine, asshole, but I can’t watch Desperate Housewives on our love, now can I?

9. For his thin, thin wrists to break when he tries to open a jar for you

Bandaging shattered wrists takes up over 35% of the time spent in a relationship with Michael Cera/Jessie Eisenberg, according to the latest Newsweek polls.

10. Having to fix things yourself

The first time the pipes under the sink leak and he tries to fix them, and he floods the kitchen, you both realize how silly the situation is and have fun splashing around in the water all night and feel more in love with him than ever.  The second time the pipes under the sink leak and he tries to fix them, and he floods the kitchen, you both have a little laugh over it and then go out for Chinese food. The third time the pipes under the sink leak and he tries to fix them, you grab the goddamn wrench and make him go wait in the car.

11. To always feel behind compared to him as regards all the latest music

After enough times coming home excited to tell him you found out about this crazy singer/songwriter that plays a harp with her ponytail and having him yawn and say, “Yeah, I heard about her like six months before she knew how to play the harp,” you eventually give up on trying to out-indie him, and flop down on the couch, defeated. And then he’s got you right where he wants you.