We'll rob you in ten years.
If I see one more story about Jon and Kate and whoever they managed to make between them, I’m going to start stabbing eyes.
Yes, they had a show on TLC. The learning channel. I have learned nothing from John and Kate Plus 8. NOTHING. Nothing I didn’t learn in public school. Crazy douche-bags can make babies if they rub their gennies together. You don’t need a show for that. All you need is a shoddy diagram. It doesn’t even need to be well drawn. Also, if you have eight bundles of joy, 90% of your time they will be screaming. Start a choir. It’s amazing Kate Gosselin had six kids at once, but you know what? If having a ton of kids is grounds for making you a celebrity, I have Irish ancestors who are Jay-Z. Also, her vagina probably looks like she was hung upside-down from it. We need to stop talking about them.
Here are the reasons:
They’re More Boring Than Brian Gumbel
If your television show is about your gigantic super-hero uterus and your immediate family’s relationship, you don’t need a personality. You don’t even need a personality if you’re on a shown that’s NOT on basic cable.
They’re Entitled, In The Worse Way
They got rich by having eight kids. It’s like the white trash lottery. Now Jon’s parading around with Christian Audigier and promoting parties. Meanwhile, Kate’s subbing in for talk show hosts, and pitching fits at appearances. Did no-one watch that show? Kate’s voice and presence is like the scream of a unicorn. I’d never want to witness it. If you do, there’s something wrong with you.
We’ve Been Hearing About It Since The Bible
And from all different angles. I now know more about Jon and Kate’s relationship more than proper spelling and sentence structure. I’m pretty sure we started hearing about them back in March. Are you trying to push all the basic information I gleaned from school and replace it with haircuts, media?
They Have Kids, With Eyes And Feelings
Kids that can read, and ask questions like, “Mommy and Daddy, why are you such attention whores?” “Why would you do mean things like that to each other?” Between growing up on TV, having an absentee dad, and a lot of money to blow, I’m wagering at least two of them will turn into super-villains. Called the Screamer and the Face-Puncher.
They Are As Attractive As The Suburbs
Shallow, I know. But when there’s a national scandal with attractive people that lasts five or six months, I get it. It’s news, and blahblahblah. But Kate and Jon Gosselin look exactly how their names sound. Like a field in Ohio.
None Of This Is News
What? Kate is sad that things didn’t work out. Jon is dating younger women. In other news, my room is painted tan. Grass grows slowly. Babies have large eyes and will occasionally be eaten by wolves.
There Are More Important Things To Talk About
If the media spent as much time debunking myths about healthcare as to how Kate had to haul her flesh around in a shopping cart after squeezing out six kids, things might get done.
It Wasn’t Even A Good Show
Why can’t one of the people who successfully got off drugs on Intervention get a lot of money and media attention? Because we’re a nation of bored housewives. That’s Bravo’s entire line-up. And viewing base.
They’re Still Boring, As You Read This
Still. By the time you finish this article, they’ll still be boring. Hell, by the time you finish your weekend, or writing your great American novel, they’ll still be boring and talking about one failed relationship until a comet hits the earth and mercifully relieves us all.
It Gives Hope To Children That They Can Have A Lot Of Babies And Get Famous
If we’re going to claim our children are easily influenced by violence, why not the coverage we give to divorced couples? Well, Jenny wanted to be a singer, but she figured out she could breed like an angry mouse.
The Media Panders to Crazy Women
Because they are the only people who are invested in this relationship.
Jon and Kate Gosselin are like Paris Hilton. Only they’ve got one more penis, and children instead of crabs. This is the first, and last thing I’ll ever write about them. I’d encourage everyone else to do the same.
Comments
Rick Garner
October 5th, 2009 - 1:25:22 PM
This has developed into such a he says, she says...but what does God say? jonandkateprayers dot com
Karl
October 5th, 2009 - 2:25:11 PM
lol, yes, what does God say? really, though, well put. sometimes i think it's just the media, too lazy to learn a new story. but there has to be people out there reading it too? maybe the age old adage? life's more fun when you know other people have shittier lives than you
bill crockett
October 5th, 2009 - 3:34:57 PM
were you waiting to see how long before someone would ask why there's only 7 kids in your pic of them? Just stop already... call child services and put the kids out of harm's way!
cacaman
October 6th, 2009 - 8:19:07 AM
you just wrote about them.. fail.
Mark Lorenz
October 6th, 2009 - 8:41:36 AM
Read the last two sentences. Fail.
mancaca
October 6th, 2009 - 9:09:15 AM
You still wrote an article about these creeps, you must care enough about it to give them publicity. Remember, good or bad, its still publicity. So you still fail.