When the zombie apocalypse finally arrives, I want this kid at my back. Houston, Texas native Simon Hughes came face-to-face with an 800-pound alligator and sent it to its doom with a well-placed shotgun blast to the brain. The saurian is only the second biggest ever found in Texas, but it was certainly big enough to have swallowed the 44-pound 5 year old Simon, who apparently never flinched. “I guess it’s in my blood,” he said.
So apparently they really DO grow everything bigger in Texas … not least of all the friggin’ huge cojones of its kindergarteners. Listen, between this guy and my own 5 year old, who’s learning MMA and can take me down 9 times out of 10 — and I’m not kidding — it looks like we’re gearing up to raising the next Greatest Generation since WWII. Which can mean only one thing: WWIII in 13 years, only this time it’ll be against an invading alien force.
Wait, no … it’s the zombie apocalypse that’s coming. Well, hell, why can’t it be both? Zombie alien nazi invasion in 2022, you heard it here first. Start investing in cyborg technology today so we can outfit our kids to fight the alien menace with cybernetic ocular implants that tie in their reticular aiming systems with the state-of-the-art gravity howitzers encasing what used to be their left arms. I’ve, uh … I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a while.
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