I’ve always been a big fan of ridiculous names, ever since as a kid I learned about a Texas A&M basketball player named Scientific Mapp. People everywhere, it seems, are dead set on naming their kids retarded things. Here are 20 of the most retarded-est.
Urban Shocker
An MLB pitcher in the early 1900s. Also a controversial sexual move administered on a subway.
Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster
Winner of the Most-Badass-Name-of-All-Time Award.
Jellyfish McSaveloy
Amazing.
Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette
Daughter of magician Penn Jillette. At least her name’s not Shazam.
Wonderful Terrific Monds III
Minor league baseball player in the 1990s. Never made it to the Majors though, so I guess he couldn’t have been that Wonderful & Terrific (sorry for that).
Number 16 Bus Shelter
A kid in New Zealand. After either where he was conceived, where he was born, or where he moved after he ditched his parents for giving him such a terrible name.
Minty Clinch
Film publicist and journalist, though her name sounds like a euphemism for a freshly-douched vajayjay.
Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116
(pronounced Albin(!?!?!)) The name a Swedish family tried to give their kid in 1996. It was rejected, so they changed the name to simply ‘A’ (also pronounced Albin (!?!))
American McGee
A (very) American game designer.
God Shammgod
Basketball player. Played one year in the NBA, thought mostly because the Washington Wizards needed a gimmick.
Espn
Two different kids got named this, in Michigan and Texas, after the sports channel ESPN. This would rank higher if Espen wasn’t a fairly common name in Scandinavia.
Breece D’J Pancake
Fiction writer. The D’J part is due to a misprint of his first story, which he didn’t correct. The Pancake part is due to, well, his parents being named Pancake.
Loser Lane
An NYPD sergeant. Had a brother named Winner Lane, who was probably an NYPD captain.
Moon Unit Zappa
Everyone knows this one; musician Frank Zappa gave all his kids stupid names, including Dweezil Zappa, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa, and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa.
Thursday October Christian
Son of Fletcher Christian, leader of the mutiny on the Bounty, who apparently needed help remembering his kids’ birthdays.
Legal Tender Coxey
Son of Jacob Coxey, leader of Coxey’s Army, and king of trading his kids for cigarettes.
@
Son of a Chinese couple. In Chinese, the symbol @ is pronounced “ai ta” which in Chinese means “love him”. Also, the kid will have a really cool email address.
Nicholas Unless-Jesus-Christ-Had-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon.
Son of Praise-God Barbon. That’s not a joke – his dad was really named that.
4real
A New Zealand couple tried to name their kid this, but were told by authorities that numbers weren’t allowed (I guess they learned their lesson after Number 16 Bus Station). The parents are appealing the decision, and if no name has been registered by July 9, they’re just going to name the kid “Superman”, and have friends and family call him “4real”.
Wolfe+585, Senior
OK, that’s not his real name, it’s the abbreviation for his real name, which is Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorffvoralternwarengewissenhaftschaferswessenschafewarenwohlgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitbeschutzenvonang reifendurchihrraubgierigfeindewelchevoralternzwolftausendjahresvorandieerscheinenwanderersteerdemenschderraumschiffgebrauchlichtals seinursprungvonkraftgestartseinlangefahrthinzwischensternartigraumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelchegehabtbewohnbarplanetenkreisedrehen sichundwohinderneurassevonverstandigmenschlichkeitkonntefortplanzenundsicherfreuenanlebenslanglichfreudeundruhemitnichteinfurcht vorangreifenvonandererintelligentgeschopfs vonhinzwischensternartigraum, Senior. I’m not kidding. He goes by Hubert Blaine Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, Sr. for short – the 585 is for how many letters come after “Wolfe”. He’s a typesetter from Philadelphia, and holds the Guiness World Record for longest name, ever. No sh*t.
Comments
Klive
September 29th, 2009 - 1:22:34 PM
4real's parents should just name him pharrel - then call him whatever they want
Sofía and Memo
September 29th, 2009 - 2:46:16 PM
We would like for ESPN to get awarded more points, specially because if you read it in Spanish it says "it's penis"
Ghostwriter David
September 29th, 2009 - 6:28:33 PM
I had a roommate one year in university called Rod Hardman.
strudel
September 30th, 2009 - 2:00:07 AM
hi there yepp the world needs more peter and pauls so on......... moon unit is a wonderfull name and muffin is something sweet in my eyes. you know paul was before saul not quite something to be proud of since the female pig is a sau in german + l ....... so i rather be called anything else maybe zappa wasnt quite that stupid naming his kids.................hahahaha wish you all the best oink jury :)
wert4580
October 1st, 2009 - 4:20:01 PM
Winner Lane was apparently a failure with a long crime record, and him and Loser no longer speak. Source: Freakonomics by Levitt and Dubner
krapInABowl
October 2nd, 2009 - 7:11:57 AM
OK, for the record, it's Scientific Mapps. He had a great name, but never had a lot of game.
krapInABowl
October 2nd, 2009 - 7:15:13 AM
Oh, and I see God made it here, too. If I remember correctly, Scientific and God played head-to-head in a couple of high-school tourneys. Boy was THAT a long time ago.
monty3038
October 2nd, 2009 - 3:22:04 PM
I used to work with a woman whose first name was Candace. Her last name is Disch. Or, also known as: Candy Dish. Parents can be very cruel.
Andrea
October 8th, 2009 - 1:02:30 AM
I just wanted to add this because it is cute... When my Grandmother got married in 1919 her initials in her name became I.M. Strange.
Madaleina
October 11th, 2009 - 9:04:44 PM
I know someone named Wayne Dear...(Reindeer). Also, my dad, in College, had a friend named Ri3ck. They called him Rithrick because they didn't know how else to pronounce it.
Clear onZappa
October 12th, 2009 - 12:19:43 PM
Technically speaking, Dweezil Zappa's birth certificate read "Ian" as his first name. It was Little Ian who changed his own name to his nickname "Dweezil". Ahmet Zappa was named for Ahmet Ertegun who started Atlantic records and signed Ray Charles and Led Zeppelin. Ahmet is a common Turkish name, kinda like Bill. Try listening to Frank's music and showing the maestro some respect.
Kate
November 19th, 2009 - 7:55:27 PM
Whenever I find a funny name in the phone book I highlight it. I don't go looking for them but they seem to find me every time. I do it at work, too.
EarleyDaysYet
November 22nd, 2009 - 4:58:19 AM
Worth also noting, the NZ twins named Benson & Hedges. Pure class.