Ghostshark Lends New Meaning To “Giving Head”

That may be the most enticing headline I’ve ever written. There was no way you weren’t going to click on that to find out more, am I right? And here it is: a new species of chimera — a group of fishes related to sharks — called a ghostshark (best name ever) has been discovered off the Californian coast. What’s notable about this new find is that it bears a sexual organ on its forehead. Seriously.

“It’s like a little mace with little spikes and hooks and it fits into their forehead,” says Doug Long of the California Academy of Sciences. “It’s jointed and it comes out. We’re not sure if it is used to stimulate the female or hold the female closer.”

Man, I can’t even begin to fathom why nature thought this was a good idea. We human males have a hard enough time playing it cool when aroused by an attractive female; at least our erections are hidden by our pants … presumably. But when the ghostshark (BEST NAME EVER) spots an undersea hottie, BAM it’s right there on its forehead! There’s no way to play that off with smooth talk.

“They have this club on the top of their head with spikes,” Doug also says. “People think it’s used for mating.” People? What people think that a morning star makes a good dildo? Short answer: no one I want to meet, but I’ll bet they live in San Francisco, which means that I probably will meet them sooner or later. Probably on the MUNI. I’m getting myself fitted for chainmail right the hell now.

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